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Ben Hostmark

December 1998

September 25, 1998

Do you ever take a moment to examine yourself, and think about how you work? I just did that last night, and I've found my problem. Relationships are like the ultimate test of who you are; when you're trying to start one, you have to make a perfect presentation of why you're you and what you feel.

When you tell a person how you feel about them, there is such a building of emotions - interest, excitement, and for me, doubt. I start to feel that my emotions aren't valid, and I'm suddenly derailed. I can't say a thing, I have to drop the subject, and I look like an idiot.

About a week after I got back from West Pines, I was having a really bad day with my Paxil prescription, and I ended up spending about three hours in the office, resting, I talked to Tavia for some of that time, and we reached the subject of relationships: who I've been dating and who I like. Since she is a good friend of mine, I decided to finally tell her that I'm bi. It turned out she had already known. She had found out about it in May, when the two of us were thinking about getting together. She was talking about me with a friend of hers, and Andy overheard her. Then he decided to take it upon himself to tell Tavia that I'm a fag. And that's why things never worked out between us.

When we were talking, Tavia mentioned to me that another one of her close friends was gay, and she would keep things secret for me also. I've been really interested in her friend Dominic for a while now, and I was pretty sure about his being gay. So I asked Tavia if it was him, and she said she couldn't answer my question without breaking her promise about keeping things secret.

I gave Dominic a call last night, as I had decided to explain everything to him. Maybe things would work out, maybe he would also be interested in me, and maybe we could even go out sometime. I choked up, apologized for bothering him, and hung up. Then I wrote a letter to him, explaining everything, which I left for him at his house.

Tomorrow night is the Homecoming Dance, and I'm dreading it this year, even though I have a gorgeous date and a kewl suit. I'm going with Beth, who has been my best friend since 8th grade. Usually when we go to dances together, we spend a lot of time with Kim, who has been friends with both of us for years now. This time, Beth has fixed Kim up with Beth's friend, Dan, whom I really don't like. Dan is a really depressing Goth freak, who refuses to dance, smile, and take off his trench coat. I know he doesn't get along with Kim well, meaning he is going to spend most of his time making sure Beth sits around with him. The worst part is that Beth actually likes him quite a bit, and that makes me jealous. Beth and I have never been anything beyond friends, but there has always been potential for otherwise. I don't want Dan there, but there is nothing I can do to get rid of him. I don't like who Beth becomes when she is around Dan.

Ben
http://thoughts.virtualshock.com/


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