December 1998

five grotesques: bowler hat, faustian legend, coprophilia, crucifixion, spirit

help me god you really messed up big this time didn't you because everything was perfectly in place and all you had to do was just reach out and take what was yours but no you didn't you were too afraid too scared too intimidated by what wasn't even there and now as usual it's gone forever but i suppose you're used to it being that way you condescending little faggot and you had better shut the hell up and listen to me tell you what you know is true because hallowe'en would have been the perfect night for you to do one of two things (one) get yourself laid (two) off yourself and if you had done both then the night would have been perfect it would have been the only perfect thing you've ever done in your life and you had that chance you know you had that chance but you were all dressed up in your sunday best with your nice black trenchcoat and your fancy black italian sweater and your umbrella and you were thinking about that book you had just bought and how you wanted to write a comprehensible story again becuase you thought it might be fun and then you became the third wheel trying to hold things together and you sure did your job saving the world in style the only thing missing was your bowler hat but you went to rocky horror anyway and you saw him didn't you you saw him over there to your left watching you looking at you admiring you maybe for once someone gay would actually think you looked attractive (because that obviously didn't work with the last one god casey why did you even bother looking at the thunder(badadabarongthondunarandenonnommolasoraffonibadadabamishadanothonnd enenderlannothadanumoraffamoronuk!)storm that night watching the lightning dancing in the rain and he just passed you by but the little gay couple stood near you and in their sillhouettes you saw them kiss and you wept while you danced in the rain and dared a god you don't believe in to smite you just for the fun of it because they have what you need and you can't get it but you thought it might have been casey until you went to ogden and realized that you had been sitting next to his girlfriend the entire night just goes to show how much your "gaydar" sucks because you obviously came on to me and now look at where you are you little faggot) maybe for once that boy over there in the middle section of the theatre would like you even though you were very vocal participating in the show even though you didn't have any toast to throw and he watched you and you watched him and when he got up in that slender black dress i saw how you wanted him so badly so badly and how you knew that all you needed to do was go and talk to him and thirty seconds later you'd be in the bathroom going down on him but you didn't you stopped yourself you didn't make the night perfect and the sad thing is that you have no idea why you didn't because you know you wanted to you know you did but you didn't and then you could possibly have made up for it if you had gotten drunk with the rest of them you could have done something but no you went to ben's room and talked about what makes a boy attractive to you so when exactly *are* you going to get drunk like you say you will after all first it was after july fourth when jordan asked you and then it could have been hallowe'en so now is it going to be at all-state with dan after all he did come up to you that day in choir and asked if you wanted to get drunk and what did you say "i'll talk to you about it later" keeping all your options open truly brilliant but lindee *has* warned you about getting drunk with anyone save for the people you trust implicitly and are you really willing to test how far you'll go to prove your point i mean after all we all know how much you yearn to have a certain style and sophistication but does anyone but me see all the decadence you love all the things you would never ever do because you are a classy individual and classy individuals simply don't go down on chad (who runs drops) during a dress rehearsal while abby is below you dancing the bonnie jean ballet getting lipstick all over him no classy individuals simply don't do that sort of thing especially not you because your heart belongs to one special little boy who barely knows you exist and even though you're four years his senior (pervert) you love him with all your heart (pervert) and die every day because you can't be with him and prepubescence just drives you wild my friend it really does and even though you like to think you're a classy individual

you're really not because and i will tell you the same thing everyone else does because you have such an inflated ego that you have no idea who you really are or aren't but that's the way it goes but actually i don't think you have an inflated ego and i know you don't either and no one else does really at least it's not as bad as scott but the opinions of the one always seem to outweigh the opinions of the many but that's perfectly understandable if you're in love but you're not in love with her so what gives i simply don't understand but if the opinion of the one is the truth then so be it you'll have to deal with your own arrogance but perhaps you should take a lesson from the faustian legend you're writing a term paper on for western civilization and make a bargain with the devil (namely me) and just see if you can win your soul back i bet i can give you better odds than any vegas table all you have to do is wish for it back and we'll work out a deal because i know where it is and i know who stole it from you even though i think you know too all you have to do is want it back and i can get it for you i can take it back from him and extract the revenge you want and you'll be whole again you'll be back to who you were before it all started before anything ever happened between anyone before dan before casey before steve before brandon before tim before nathan before matt before patrick before matt before arthur even before zack i can take you back there all you have to do is trust me and i can make all of your dreams come true even the ones

involving coprophilia and leather after all isn't that what decandent homosexual culture is all about you classy individual

well isn't it because that's all the divine marquis has told you apart from murder and you would never do that because classy individuals don't actually kill people but do you actually think classy individuals would actually desecrate the icons of the catholic church in the manner in which your divine marquis describes i don't think so and i don't think you'd be up to it anyway so it's a moot point for right now call me back later when you get yourself drunk with dan maybe in the hotel room and then maybe you can desecrate your philosophy and your life and your body like you so desperately want to you classy individual but don't get me wrong i'm all for desecrating the church i mean who in their right mind isn't because take for example this image of the crucifixion of your new christ that was in all the papers and on all of the new news magazines did you see the headlines of your new messiah's death (the martyrdom of saint matthew the shepard) did you see them and did you weep like every other homosexual in the world did you weep like you wept in the rain dancing next to the two lovers you saw again at auditions with their arms around each other not afraid not afraid just like your messiah wasn't afraid and now he's gone and you weep everytime you even so much as think about it because it's not fair that he should have gone and left the rest of everyone behind and for one shining moment saint matthew was truly (see my eyes i can hardly see see me stand i can hardly walk i believe you can make me whole see my tongue i can hardly talk see my skin i'm a mass of blood see my legs i can hardly stand i believe you can make me well see my purse i'm a poor poor man) a superstar but now no one remembers his name except for you because you're so afraid to go outside of your room now even though you are loved at your school and regarded as one of the most intelligent and funny people in the school you're afraid to leave your room because just yesterday the juvenile delinquent with an iq he could count on his left hand (or maybe not) called you a fag and everyone around laughed even those people who were your friends like it was something that everyone knew but no one ever really thought about until someone mentioned it and you became the object of ridicule for a few moments and then everyone was back to being your friend how very judas of them and now after all this time after all this struggle you find yourself naked and shaved and shackled and all you have to say for yourself is

"father into your hands i commend my spirit so


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