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Josh Naftel

December 1998

Not That We Haven't Heard This Tune Before. . .

Ugh.

I hate to admit this, but I would like a boyfriend. I wrinkle my nose at having to even say it (well, type it). The reason is, I so pride myself on being independent, self-loving, and all of those good things that come with being. . . well, I. I know that sounds egotistical, but I've had to work through so much of the crap that others have forced upon me, from childhood taunting to everyday gawking, that I had to learn to burst through that negativity into the positively brilliant persona of self-confidence I now possess.

I doubt this is increasing my odds here.

But it would take someone who understands this, and who feels the some way (or wants to feel the same way), to make a good boyfriend for me. Someone who can stand on his own, and who doesn't *need* a boyfriend so much as *want* one. I don't know that I could catalogue a list of appealing traits in such a fellow, though I know physically I like the tall, lithe, doe-eyed type. I'm tres expendable here, though I must insist on the tall part; for he who is 6"2', 5"5' will just not do. But more important than being attractive, I'd like someone who's quick-witted and surprising, who'll snatch me up for a quick kiss and say things that'll make me laugh out loud (which isn't so hard since I do a lot anyway, 'cause stupid people say such silly things all the time). I'd like a boyfriend with whom I can discuss sappy stuff with, rant and rave to, and maybe even mull over the latest hiNRG dance music releases, if I'm lucky enough to find a dancing fanatic like myself. Maybe someone who speaks a foreign language (no "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" stuff, though I'd adore bouncing off my five quarters of French off of some sincere). Someone who himself is wondering, How do I find someone with whom I can connect--without using cliched language like "with whom I can connect"?

The problem broached here is the issue of finding such a boy. It's not like you can just go up to someone you see in a gay club and say, "Hi. I think you are fine. Let us dance and get to know one another." Please. Most guys would've deliver a bitch look a' la "Clueless" and say, "No, thanks." Queer etiquette defines such actions as "Tacky"--and I must admit I've abided by its guidelines almost always. I've been rather shady for most of this year because I hadn't had a vacation away from school and work until this November, and I was far to disenchanted with my own life to even bother entertaining the advances of any other boys.

So I made no moves and let no moves be made on me. My bad, as the hets here say.

Anyway, I'm over that now, and I'm dying to know how people get together nowadays. Yes, I'm only twenty-one, and yes, I've been out for three years (wow! I just now realized that. . . !) already, but I haven't quite caught on to this phenomenon yet. So won't someone help a poor boyfriend-less boy out? I'm not begging for personal ad-like replies or anything (that would be Tacky of me, right? . . .), but I would like to at least find out how some boys have met. Maybe a few non-Tacky pick up lines or sage pointers or some other such facetious thing to deflate my angst-ridden mood would be beneficial. Certainly couldn't hurt. And I'd love you forever and forever more. Okay? Okay.

E-mail me at unaftj00@umail.ucsb.edu

Josh Naftel


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