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Schell

December 1998

"And if I don't make it known that I loved you all along,
Just like Sunny days that we ignore because,
We're all dumb and jaded...
And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong...." - Our Lady Peace

"You are not the only one..." - Nick Ballew

Hi all... One thing I must acknowledge and didn't realize at the time I wrote my monthly was the passing away of Matthew Shepard. He is a loss to the gay community and to everything that was good about homosexuality. It's not just that though it shows that there is still bigotry and hatred in the world and that whether it's the Westboro Baptist Church or just in our own backyard, either way it is still hate and it needs to be stopped. I will eventually post something on the page as a tribute.. but until then I'll have to ponder on what it is I will give as a fitting tribute. I'm not too sure how to say goodbye to Matthew in my own little way yet.

Well, anyhow, I hope you guys have all had good months. Me?? Well, lets say my month had progressed from worse to now significantly better There's been a lot going on. So here goes...

To recap what happened last month, my boyfriend and I had just split up after two months. Which had really destroyed me. I had just finished blabbing to his new b/f which probably wasn't the best idea in the entire world. His new b/f also happened to be someone I was attracted to big time before he split for the summer and then I met who I ended up seeing. Things became between him and I and it was eating at me how he gushed about him, the pictures of the two of them kissing. It got to the point where I was putting him on ignore because I couldn't stand it. I then started something which I now am beginning to regret. I was introduced to the world of ecstasy pre thanksgiving and from there fell in love with the drug.. for more than one reason. The second time I had taken it was at a rave here in Saskatoon and the feelings it gave me was just immaculate. For one moment in time I forgot everything and it was like it had never happened. Of course I have to go off and talk about it with everyone.. and the trips became more frequent.. while tripping I hopped on WBS and started spouting things I shouldn't have including blaming my ex for my little e phase. This went over so well especially when my ex was on there under a different guise, slamming me and calling me a loser. I thought whatever.. and finally things got to the point where I felt I was losing touch.. and I knew then I had to stop. Finally two weeks after I had begun ..I just stopped taking them . I decided to finally come out of my shell and try to fix my life up. It was not too hard a decision to make. I knew I just needed to do something before my life totally crumbled. Done and done..*smile*

So as I quit ecstasy and mended my life up a bit. I made arrangements to go home and see my mother. Since I had come out to her, I felt that it was time to go and see her. Before that time two other things happened. One was my ex split up with his boyfriend, which inside made me unhappy yet at the same time a very, very small part of me had hope. I don't know why but then his ex and I began talking again, and in a genuine offer of friendship did my best to make him feel better. Whether it worked or not was another thing, but I thought it was the best I could do. Because I still really cared about him.

To make things even more interesting, a week before Halloween, I finally met someone whom I had always wanted to meet from online. We met in January on IRC in the gaysask channel and never seemed to cross paths even after he vanished from the online realm in March. It was awesome when we met because it was the booster to my month. That event too I think began to signal things were going to get better. After Halloween, I ended up raving at a PPM UNIFY party then headed down to Regina to see my mother and things were going extremely well in that area. In fact my mother and I are getting along better than ever. *smile* What was also a turn of events was that I also again ran into this guy from a couple weeks before, this time getting his number and his e mail addy to get a hold of him next time I'm down there. As well I managed to see some friends who I hadn't seen in a long time as well as just about met another guy from online (WBS) I'm a little nervous as I plan on going back soon this time to get acquainted with this person as well as to connect with my other friend. I'm also somewhat interested in someone at my workplace.. but that I'm not following too heavily (think he has a b/f).

So you would think after all of this that I wouldn't be so bitter and angry and still stuck in my rut. The truth of the matter is I am doing a lot better with a bit of counseling as well as a lot of help from my friends. I still sleep on only one side of the bed. I still can't listen to a lot of my CD's without bringing back memories of him. I've sent him a couple of e mails asking for him back, because I miss him. I still have to shut the radio off if it's a song I don't like and I still think no one else will ever take his place. The truth is I'm still a bitter and unhappy person. Slowly, even though I love him and care about him.. I'm slowly learning to let go. It's hard on me, but I realize it must be done. And part of me will still take him back and another part of me will want him always. Maybe someday we'll cross paths again and maybe start over. But closure is the gift I'm attempting to give myself this Christmas. At any cost.

Catch you guys in the new year. Merry Christmas all.

Schell
donatello@sk.sympatico.ca


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