A night this past week, I had some interesting dreams. What's initially interesting about them is the fact that I remember what happened, a rare occurrence. But what is ultimately interesting is their content, which follows a pattern in the dreams that I remember.
In the dreams I remember, I dream of love.
Kind of a vague statement, I guess, but what exactly do I dream about? A sampling:
Dream example one, about a year and a half ago: sitting in the front seat of a car, parked out in the middle of nowhere, the object of my affection sitting in the drivers' seat, me lying down on the rest of the seat, my head on his thigh, and his hands running through my hair. Said dream must have lasted only a few minutes, because that scene, that tableau, is all I remember of it.
Dream example two, about two months ago: me and the object of my affection lying on a couch, spooning, watching something on television. Him behind me, just holding me.
Dream example three, about two days ago: an extended dream compared to the other two, the object of my affection and I walked home from a class and ended up in my room. In the dream it was like I liked him, but didn't know if he liked me, and so it was like I was pretending to just be his friend while we talked (about what I don't know, my dreams aren't *that* detailed. We talked and gradually moved closer to each other to the point where I was lying on my stomach and he was sitting upright on my right side and suddenly during the dream-conversation he leaned down and kissed me on my cheek. And then, much to my dismay, my alarm clock went off.
Three different guys, at three different times of my life, but with more or less the same general content. So what do these dreams leave me feeling? I can't really describe it. I wake up and it's like I'm glowing, like everything is in equilibrium and perfect for a little while. I'm just consumed by this feeling of total contentment and love, and although it goes away shortly, I always savor it, The feeling occurs infrequently enough to be something incredibly special to me.
And so when this happened earlier this week I decided to examine this feeling, and my dream, and try to figure out what was going on inside my head. I'm a firm believer in the theory that dreams are one's subconscious trying to reconcile what's going on within it, and bringing usually subconscious thoughts into the conscious mind. If you didn't understand that, go take Psych 101.
The conclusion that I came to is that, all things aside, what I yearn for most is love. In my mind I have this idealist vision of love that presents itself in my dreams, the Hollywood concept of perfection and completeness that love brings. My rational mind tells me that such things rarely ever happen, especially with someone so inexperienced in relationships as me, but I dream it, and feel it nevertheless.
It also tells me something else about the way I am. Yes, I can be horny at times, and I talk to people about other guy's sexual attractiveness (in short "Damn, he's hot, gimme a piece of that" etc. and so forth). But I don't think these feelings are real. Mentally I link sex with love, so when I express the desire to have sex with a guy, what I really want is for him to hold me in his arms, to tell me he loves me, to make me feel what I feel in my dreams. Unfortunately, I know from the experience that I do have that sex does not automatically bring these feelings.
I guess I'm just lonely. I say "I want a boyfriend" but what I guess I really mean is "I want to be loved." Why can't I say what I mean?
So those are my thoughts on my life lately. Maybe I should have saved this for Valentine's Day... oh well.
Merry solstice to you all.
David Wycislak is a 19-year-old college student who has no idea what he will major in, so don't ask. firstname.lastname@example.org