January 1999

Where oh where are the lesbians out there?! Why is it so damn difficult to meet an attractive feminine woman who is...you know...gay for a change! My 'lifestyle' is really starting to annoy me... I think my discontent over my loneliness for a relationship is starting to make me a bitter butch. Well...I'm not really *butch* with regard to my physical appearance...but it only matters what's on the inside...right?!

So anyway...there is this girl <insert massive groan here because you all knew where this paragraph was heading> and I had her in my first college class last year, Psychology. She used to sit catty-corner to me in this large lecture hall. Oh damn...she smelled so good. She was like the ideal woman for me (physically anyway...who the hell ever said it only matters what's on the inside anyway?!) she was about 5'4'', shoulder length brown hair, brown eyes, tanned skin, cute butt, thin, trendy...<as fantasies run rampant> Well, suffice it to say, I totally fell for her. When she would answer questions in class my heart would speed up a bit...hell, she could be talking about birth defects in newborn crack babies and I would be totally in awe of her every word... I do not believe I have ever been so infatuated with someone I have never even spoken with! However, she did say one word to me once...before class she would always stand in the hall outside and smoke a cigarette (which is a major turn off but whatever) and one day I got lucky enough to have been going into class right before her and I held the door for her (I told you I was butch right?) and she smiled sweetly and said..."thank you." Oh boy was I a puddle on the floor! I don't think I stopped smiling that entire evening! Pathetic? What? Where?!

Well...to make an extremely long sappy story short... she came into my work today to register for Spring classes. I looked up and could not remove my feet from under my desk to help her. I had not seen her in nearly a year so I kinda forgot about her until today. And all I am saying is this...I would be dating this woman right now if this was a gay gay world! Why must it seem as though everyone is heterosexual?! And please don't tell me that she may be gay and that I should go for it and "do it for the gipper" or whatever...because her boyfriend came in, kissed her on the cheek and took her books from under her arms. I believe I muttered something to the effect of "lucky bastard"... And please don't say that perhaps she is only trying to keep up a facade of heterosexuality and her subconscious is trying to keep her from discovering her true self...so thus she pretends to be into guys...because I severely doubt it.

I wouldn't be so reluctant about asking her out if this was a gay gay world because it would have been 'normal'. Why can't I be normal?! Life would be so much easier if I was just a man...I would get paid more, get better treatment at the mechanic shop, be able to even have a remote chance with 90% of the women on this planet.... There is just so few of us and so many of 'them.' Perhaps all the lesbians are just hiding?! I had a strange dream a few nights ago...no, I'm sorry, it isn't kinky! So anyway, you know that Chihuahua dog that does ads for Taco Bell? Well one of those ads had a taco under a box and he was attempting to trap Godzilla...as he chanted "Here Lizard Lizard." Anyway, instead of the box and the dog, I was walking around my neighborhood with a taco in one hand, an X-files looking flashlight in another, chanting "Here Lesbian Lesbian..." Suffice it to say...my therapist is going to have a field day with this one at next week's session!!

On a related note... I don't know what it is about me...but I want someone to buy flowers for, and take to the movies... I want someone to stir passions in me that have laid dormant for what feels like forever... I want to be stirred to the point of writing poetry again... I want walks on the beach, white picket fences, a woman by my side, a good job, two cats in the garage, oh life can be so hard...our house...is a very very very fine house...oops wait a minute! I got a little sidetracked here... I want somebody to love damn it... and I want that person to be of my same sex. Why does that have to be so difficult?! Why can't that be 'normal'? Why won't they super size happy meals?! These are all the great mysteries of life my friends...


Avid, the ever languid lesbian


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