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Jess

January 1999

I am now officially out of the closet. Except to the unobservant people who haven't noticed (i. e., almost everyone). However I have found a young gays and lesbians group which helps.

And for those who want to know I did tell Mandy and she

a. didn't believe me then

b. left the school, but not because of me. Oh and I didn't have a crush on her, that was a different friend. Who seems to be flirting with me. But (sigh) I don't think it's deliberate. Ah well.

Back to the closet subject, people are starting to suspect, I nearly told my whole health class but the teacher intervened. I'll explain, health is basically sex education and we where asking the boys questions and they where asking us questions. Anyway Nathan asking why I didn't go out with the Chinese guy (his own wording). I nearly blurted out "Because I'm gay" but the teacher said it was too personal. Darn.

Now if you are a devout atheist and think angels and stuff are crap then skip this part. I have a guardian angel. His name is Stan, he is short, fat, has limp blond hair and worked in a ice cream parlor. And he's gay. I know all this because I met him in a dream. He didn't tell me he was my guardian angel just told me all about how he and his boyfriend committed suicide. I figured out the guardian angel bit by myself. I'll give you a brief summery of the dream. I had been bitten by a snake and was rush around trying to find a phone to ring an ambulance. One of the places I when into was the ice cream parlor Stan worked in. First he told me about the he and his boyfriend committed suicide. Successfully apparently so how could he be telling me about it? That's how I knew he was SOME sort of angel.

When he finished the other fellow at the parlor said "Ain't love wonderful". Then Stan showed me an assortment of ice cream making equipment from different cultures 'so they didn't get offended'. And that was the end of Stan's part of the dream. Weird, huh? But then they always are. I knew he was my guardian angel because all my life I've thought I had a sort of private god and talked to him. (These conversations generally consisted of me say 'if you don't help me find my glasses I'll REALLY not believe in you) anyway Stan's mind kind of felt the same way as this 'personal god' so I figured he was my guardian angel. Laugh all you like, I know it sounds dumb but that's the best way to explain it.

All you atheists cane come back now and I'd just like to say I'm not a Christian, I'm a pagan. (if you look than up in a dictionary it's not barbarian)

God (or Stan) I'm lonely. But I 'spose it's good for my writing. I write stories and poetry and unrequited love and loneliness is very good for that. It's still a shit though. All you people who sent me e-mails THANK YOU EVER SO MUCH YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!!!!

There is nothing quiet as satisfying as going to my e-mail address and seeing Unread E-mail -3 (or any another number apart from 0) If I didn't reply to your e-mail it's because I did something really stupid and deleted all the ones I needed to reply to. If you resend it I'll reply this time. PLEASE SEND ME E-MAILS!!! My offline social life is collapsing (nothing to do with my sexuality) and all I've got is the net. My e-wail address is Kelpdragon@yahoo.com.

Feeling slightly loopy,

Jess

PS If this sounded rather rushed it's because I forgot all about the article and had to do at 10 o'clock.

PPS I've just discovered the joy of being able to think "phew she's gorgeous" without having my entire closeted mind thrown into chaos.


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