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Joshua S.

January 1999

Joshua S. I'm an 18yr old bisexual senior from Pa.

Through Weakness and Strength

I realized I was bisexual when I entered 7th grade. I was 13 at the time and needless to say I was very confused with what was going on in my head. The realization of not being straight hit when I began thinking about a couple of my teachers, and they weren't helping me with my homework. I didn't like what I was thinking (well, okay, maybe a little) and it caused me to abandon my faith, my happiness, and eventually help me come to the conclusion that killing myself was the only answer.

Obviously there were other problems in my life that helped push me over the edge. As I look back the worst part of my childhood was that I agreed with what everyone was saying about me and telling me. I was always a follower, and I never stated my opinion nor did I ever complain. I look back and maybe my life could have been worse, but I was young and didn't understand how worse things could be.

For 5 years I lied to myself and others about my sexuality even though I knew I was bi. I would always catch myself looking at the men in my brother's Hustler Magazines, staring at the guys in their swim shorts on TV, and enjoying Tom Cruise movies a little more than I should have. I hated my father for he was never there for me, and it was easier to hate a man who hated gays/bi's then accept what he said as reality. I hated myself, became suicidal, and tried to act happy and I smiled all the time, but underneath I was dying. What a way to start my first year of high school, huh?

On January 22nd of last year, I told my mother I was bi. It was just after school and well to make a long story short, it was a really bad day. I was really depressed and obviously my mother was concerned. I probably wouldn't have told her, but we were alone in a parking lot and well I was stuck. She told me that everything would get better and that I was loved, and that she went through the same things as a teenager, and I told her no she didn't. She asked me if I was in love with a girl, and I said no, and then she asked if I was in love with a guy, and I told her no, but it was half of the story. I didn't come out and say that I was bi, but she understood what I was getting at. She said "oh, you are one of those," and I should fight it, but if I eventually failed, she would still love me no matter what. While we were walking to the grocery store, she told me that she always knew deep down that I wasn't straight and she would always love me, but I could tell from then on that she didn't exactly agree with what I was. It really bothered me when she called me "a" bi, as if I was just a statistic and not her son. She told me to not tell anyone for my girl friend might find out and she won't like me anymore. She acts as if she doesn't know that I am bi.

When there are shows talking about gays, bi's, and lesbians, she quickly changes the subject and asks idiotic questions out of the blue to try and act like she didn't hear or see anything. It kinda hurts to know that the person that brought me into this life is somewhat ashamed of who I have become. I know she loves me, but it annoys me that she will always be thinking that in the back of her mind.

On February 1st, My sister told me in her bedroom that she knew that I was bi. I was reading a little statement I wrote called Understand, and she said she knew my secrets. I had a feeling my mother was going to tell her, but I played along and asked what she meant. She started crying and told me that my mother told her. I felt very uncomfortable not only for what she was saying, but I have a hard time with people when they cry. My sister is okay with the fact that I am bi, or at least she accepts it anyway. She said that she thought it was cool that I was bi. She loves me for who I am, and that makes me feel really good about myself. Both of my brothers know about me as well, and they both took it well which really caught me off guard. They were more concerned about my Bulimia then my sexuality, and as odd as this may sound, that made me feel really good.

Most people know I'm bisexual now. I guess you could say I'm the most openly bi person in my school ...or should I say the only openly gay/bi person in my school. I feel a lot better just being honest with myself, and it has helped me accept myself more than anything or anyone else could.

Finally I met a girl that I really do like, and I know she likes me too. Everything should be totally awesome right? Of course not. I obviously have a fear of being affectionate to anyone, and I'm no different towards her. Should I push someone I really like away just because I'm afraid? That's not the only problem though. I like someone else too. It's a guy. He is like everything I have ever wanted to be.

In my eyes he is perfect, and it doesn't help that one of my closest friends feels the same way. She went out with him two years ago, and nothing really happened, but she has been in love with him ever since. She knows that I like him, and it does bother her, but she is glad I told her. I don't see why she is bothered by it, cause as far as we know he is straight. Unfortunately, I have been using the big stupid boy words like "if" and "maybe". My friend has also been saying that he could be bi or gay as well which just makes it worse. I'm liking someone who I could never have, while I could have someone just as great who actually likes me back. I don't get it, can I ever be happy? This situation has made it ever so clear that I'm totally afraid of being with someone, and I'm turned off by the fact that they actually like me back. I still have a lot to learn about myself, and who knows what will happen in the future. I just have to keep fighting until I get what I have always wanted out of life. Thanks for reading.

Joshua S.
running_on_empty@hotmail.com


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