January 1999

"Happiness is never how you think it should be so"
-- Duncan Sheik, "She Runs Away"

Geez, have I gotten to know how correct that quote is within the past month. I guess it really started the second day of December when everyone found out that a girl had been raped at 2:45 the previous afternoon in the parking lot. For reasons which I am still not very sure about, this hit me very hard.

What upset me most about this was that guys joked about it. They have no concept of how damaging it is to people. (I don't know how I know this information myself, considering that I'm male.) Any man who can afford to take that lightly doesn't deserve to have a penis. I say this in all seriousness; those who possess any sort of power who are that clueless as to how much power he/she has and how easily it can destroy lives do not deserve to have it.

This incident got me to thinking about what I have, although I seemed to be able to find the spot of tarnish in every silver lining. I have a family that cares for me (even though I can't stand every way they show it), a roof over my head (but I'm happier elsewhere), I don't have to buy my clothes (horribly out of style since I'm too lazy to shop for them on my own), I have someone who I love deeply who returns the feelings (though Paul still won't admit to them, and I'm not going to push him to), someone whose smile can brighten up my entire day, and sappy sentiments like that into eternity.

So far, the holidays are an enormous pain in the ass, especially since I've spent all of Thanksgiving Weekend and the 18 hours so far of Christmas Break thinking about what I'm going to say when I get back, and it just gets depressing after a while.

I have this ability to get stuck on Paul's emotional rollercoasters at exactly the wrong time, like the first day of finals, right before the only day out of the four days when we weren't scheduled to be stuck together. He was really upset about something, and he told a girlfriend of his (as in how straight women have girlfriends) that it was something really trivial. It took a lot of self-control to keep from slapping him for giving such a bullshit reason. (I don't think he realized that I understood what he said, though; I have a much stronger ability to understand spoken Spanish than I have demonstrated publicly.) Then, two days later, we were back to our old selves, and saying things that could be taken entirely the wrong way out of context, such as, "It's too small, and this is the cheap latex that won't stretch." (I was putting on "small" size gloves at the time.)

Last, but not least, I was outed this month. Sort of. As a joke. Someone put a fictitious note from me onto the back of a picture and gave it to a teacher. Luckily, he has enough of a sense of humor to realize it was a joke. Actually, he's not unattractive, just that his youngest daughter is too old for me. I just can't leave it behind me, because the teacher told all of his classes about it, and teenagers don't forget a single possible taunt.

Speaking of coming out, doesn't this verse from the song "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls sound like it's about coming out: "Don't you love the life you killed/ the priest is on the phone/ your father hit the wall/ your ma disowned you/ don't suppose I'll ever know/ what it means to be a man/ something I can't change"


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