February 1999

It's been a while since I've written for Oasis. But I think that I'm long overdue for another column. I believe that since I've last written I have developed into a more enlightened person. Sure, some people might call me rude, some people might say that I'm an asshole, others would say that I'm a kind caring guy, some might even goes as far as to say that they consider me a good friend.

I can say that I think that going to school is one of the most important things a person could do. Now, I'm not saying that everyone should work really really hard, and get good grades in all their classes, because there are some people, like me, who just can't get good grades. But I think that each person should at least go to their classes and listen to what their teachers have to say. I know, you are all wondering why I'm talking about education, but there's a really big point to all this. Now, I'm going to jump to movies..... trust me, there's going to be a link that will bring all this together...

Have you seen Dead Poets Society? It's a movie with Robin Williams, Ethan Hawke, and some other good actors that I can't remember their names. Anyway, the theme of the movie is a bunch of boys at a boarding school, and their teacher (played by Williams) is teaching them poems. But he's not forcing it on them. Back to the point, one of the first things that he teaches them is Carpe Diem. That means Seize the Day. With that in their minds each boy proceeds to do something that they wouldn't consider doing normally. One boy tries out for a play, against his father's wishes. Another asks a girl out who he's only met once, and she has a boyfriend. Anyway, the moral of the story is to seize the day, live your life to the fullest potential.

Today, I watched Dead Poets Society in my Humanities class. The point where all the boys are saying 'Carpe Diem' and going on to do their own rebellious acts. And I realized, that if I wanted to live my life the way that I want to, I will have to say Carpe Diem, and be who I want to be. I shouldn't and won't listen to what my parents want me to do. I've often wondered what parents are really for. I've decided that parents are supposed to be there and offer advice for your problems. I have realized that parents often give their children what they didn't have. Parents very rarely give their children what they did have, which is just as important as what they didn't.

After school, I was at Starbucks drinking some coffee with a few friends, only one of whom knows I'm gay. The other, Lisa, is a sweet friend. And she looked at me and asked me what was wrong. And I thought, 'should I just make up the parent excuse again, or should I tell her?' Then it all made sense. It was like one of those bubbles you see in a comic strip, in my mind I could see the letters C-A-R-P-E D-I-E-M.

"Well, Lisa, I can't stand that I can't be who I really want to be in this town." I said.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I can't love who I want. I spend every day lying to people about who I really am?

"Who you really are?"

"Yeah, a few people know. He knows," I said pointing at my other friend, she looked at me with wonder but there was a hint of acknowledgment in her eyes. " I think you know already, you've never wondered why I never talk about girls, or how come I never go on a date."

"Well, you did say that you've never really kissed a girl."

"Yeah, well that's what it is. I've never been out with them and never really will."

"Hey, we got to go." said my other friend.

"Okay, I'll see you guys later." said Lisa.

And I left. I figure that if I ever want to be who I am, at least with my friends, I need to be open and honest with them. I'm not saying that I will come out to everyone, I'm just saying that I can't live my life anymore worrying about what my parents will think if people know I'm gay. They know, they didn't take it too well at first, but now they know that there's nothing they can do to me. I'm not going to be what some would call a flamer, and wear the rainbow flags, and all that. Because I think that if gay people want to be treated equally we need to act like every one else. How many people do you see walking down the streets of NYC wearing a pin that says "I'm straight and damn proud."? I don't think so.

I also think that kissing and all that stuff should be kept at home. I mean, there's no point to me to try and prove to other people that you are really in love with who ever you are in love with. And if two people need to make out that much in public to prove to each other that they truly love the other, I'd wonder if that was really the case. I don't see anything wrong with hugging, or a kiss on the cheek. Just go to Europe. I lived there for 5 years, they don't really care who you love. In many cultures it's customary to hug another guy, to even give him a kiss on the cheek. It's not like you are making out, you are just showing that you are friends. That to me is fine, there's nothing bad with that. It's just what I call "face fucking," where people make out to the point where I just want to throw up.

I guess my ramblings have gone on for a while. All I really wanted to say, was Carpe Diem. Live your life the way you want to live it. Don't ever let someone else make your choices for you, be who you are.


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