Troy N. Diggs
"I'm all out of faith; this is how I feel,
I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor...
You're a little late; I'm already torn..."
--- Natalie Imbrouglia, "Torn"
There are times when you come to a realization and, well, realize something.
This parable takes place a while back when I met a guy... short version is that I thought he was adequate but flawed, and my close friends just plain thought he was a jerk. I tried qualifying him to myself (did that make any sense?), but something one of them said made me realize something very important.
That something is this: why in the fuck am I bending myself over backwards for what I know is a "second rate boyfriend"? I know he has problems, and for all the time I thought the folks closest to me were only seeing the bad side of him, I realized that I was only trying to see the good side of him.
Now, see, it's not in my nature normally to do that; I always try to see the good side of everything. I'm an eternal optimist. However, it just makes me feel really really bad when I think that someone could be as much of an ass as he is (though I didn't see it at the time).
I honestly think the only reason I fell for him (and, I admit, the only reason I'm so damned hesitant to walk away) is because I did (and still do, a little) feel like second best is pretty much as good as it gets. It's like I'm standing outside of Studio 54, all the guys I REALLY want are in there, and I can't get in, so I'm forced to go to the dive bar down the street and pick from there.
Despite that, though, I'm slowly learning to get along. I may not be at the point where I'm totally 100% comfortable with the fact that yes, I am still all by myself sleeping with a plush Scooby Doo every night, but at least I'm learning. In this case, I learned to stop myself before anything really began because it wasn't worth the trouble.
I just wish I knew where that guy who is worth the trouble is. I'm sick of "second best" dates. Truth be told, I'm sick of dates as is. I'm sick of guys, and you know, guys like that make me want to lock myself in my bedroom and never come out... it's not a great solution, and it may not be that much fun, but at least I won't get hurt anymore.