February 1999

Last month I talked about what would happen in my school if I told people about who I really was. If they would like me the way they seem to like me now. I kind of had that challenged a while ago by Danny.

Danny is kind of a nerdy brain. He is really really smart. But he doesn't take good care of himself. Has a problem combing his hair, and his school uniform isn't always clean or his shirt tucked it. And he talks a lot like he is an adult instead of a kid. He acts kind of different, and always has his face in a book.

He had a problem in the shower room after gym one day, and started getting a hard time from some of the boys who were there. It didn't stop in gym, but he kept hearing name calling everywhere. Things like queer, and little faggot, stuff like that.

One day I decided to eat lunch with him. We ate in a classroom and talked. What he told me was I didn't have to try to be friends with him because he knew he wasn't my kind of person. That the only reason I was being nice was because I felt sorry for him. That he was just what everybody said he was. And that I wasn't as real a person as the characters in his book. And he left me.

It was a funny/sad thing. He said to me, that he was what I think I am, a gay boy. But I couldn't tell him back. It was him saying who he was, and me hiding it because I was the one who was afraid. He had nothing to lose and I had everything. So I kept quiet, and he still gets teased and bugged sometimes, and I don't. Because I am cool and want to stay cool I couldn't tell him he wasn't alone. So I let him go to his book and I went back to my friends.

This month Danny and I have to do a social studies project together. And we now don't seem to like each other much. I think if I told him about me he would out me. But I think he needs a friend to talk to. So I go back to wishing it was easy.

Can't we just be ourselves?

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