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Lincoln Ho

February 1999

Hi everyone! After months away off-line I am back! In case you don't know who I am, my name is Lincoln Ho and I've written a few columns for Oasis before. See the back issues of early 1998, I should be there. And not much has changed with me, I still love music a lot and that's probably the direction I'm deciding to go.

Over the last half year, I've been more comfortable with myself and did a lot of thinking and calming down with my hormones, and NO, it was not puberty. I felt that I sort of came out a little sudden and a lot of my friends couldn't handle it.

I don't know if I've written about this before but I will anyway, I'll talk about what's happened to me during this time and maybe even before I wrote my first column back in January 1998.

Now, I'm not gonna talk about what happened and what I felt when I first found out that "Oh my god! I'm gay!" sort of thing, I've read that too much and don't you think it gets boring reading the same story over and over again?

Anyway, My coming out sort of came by freak accident. Way back when, I was doing stuff I wasn't supposed to on the Internet, going to places I shouldn't be, etc. My best friend came to my house and I went downstairs to get coke for him. The minute I got back up, he was searching through my bookmarks. First, I just thought he was just seeing what was cool on the Internet, but then, one of the sites from my bookmarks showed up. I'm like "Oh my god! I'm dead!". And, I was. I tried to explain to him why by saying that I masturbated (think Lincoln, think!). He was disgusted and after supper, he left. He told all his guy friends.

I was left with not really much to do but to deny everything people asked me. Everything calmed down and I decided to come out and I didn't want to go around to everyone and say "I'm gay" so, I first came out to Tamara and she told people (what a friend, eh?). Anyway I wrote my article for my school newspaper at the time and BANG! My life was a mess, that was around November 1996 and what happened is mentioned in my earlier articles.

Now, I'm sorry I left Oasis and disappeared with no trace. My Internet was gone at the time so I didn't write for Oasis. Around April, I was tricked into having sex with someone I really hate. I don't know how stupid I was but he had many connections and I was scared. So I did everything he told me to do. That was, at the time, the worst part of my life.

I told Tamara what happened because I wanted help and somehow, word spread again and the person that made me do it, found out. They went to the principal and told them that I was seriously harassing him with fake rumors going around the school. I told the school coordinator and the principal and everything what happened, right in front of him. He talked himself out of it and he was left back in his "learning environment". Anyway, now, the topic was me all over the school, even the topic of all the teacher's in the staff room. I gave all the evidence I could. It happened on the day of the ski trip and I was late to school that afternoon because of it. I showed up to school really quiet. The teacher that day noticed it and since I don't go home for lunch, it was strange for me to be late to class anyway. Going on, my parents were called and a few policemen and a few counselors to "calm me down". With the pressure of a roomful of adults, strangers, and my parents, I said that I made ! ! it all up to get him in trouble.

With the only lie that I have said, I was expelled from the school and I was on home schooling until September when I came into grade 10. Those lonely months were my worst months of my life. My dad says that it's wrong and not natural and my mom has been baptized and believes that God will save me from evil.

God loves me and he created me and he knows everything anyway so he knew I was going to be gay when he created me, choice or not.

I've learned since to talk and communicate. That was my new years resolution, anything that bothered me, I'd tell my friends so I won't have another miserable year.

Going back to September 1998, I thought that I finally made a best friend because I told him I was gay the first day I met him. BUT, he started asking me one day about being gay and then he asked me how to masturbate (of course, this was all on the phone). Anyway, I told him to find it on the Internet, because this was a friend to me. He made me tell him and the next day, he phones me up and tells me that I don't know him anymore and that I can never talk to him again. The day after that, he returned valuables to me and cut up my binder, told everyone I was gay, deleted all the e-mails I stored in iname and treated me like I was his enemy.

I got a few friends to ask him why and he supposedly told them that he couldn't stand me and that his friends told him not to hang around with fags because I'd get turned on by him.

I was like, OK, what the heck is wrong with this guy? I though he was gay at first sight (not love, he's too gay). He like talks like a girl, wears all this geeky clothing for gym, and is obsessed with some Japanese dog (it's a cartoon). All my friends now say that he's "gayer" than me and that a "friend" like that is no friend at all. But I don't care about that, it's the trust I lost in those two months. I told him everything that was a secret and I mean EVERYTHING! I lost trust and my trust has been lost somewhere along the way.

Later, I met this girl named Rammi. She became my "best friend" after that. I told her stuff but not as much and she still doesn't even have my phone number. Last week, I wrote this very convincing suicide letter to her about my life and how I hate it. She read it and threw it in the trash and didn't talk to me, or even write a not to me. What kind of damn friend is she?

Now, in around December, I started to hang out with a group of friends for lunch and stuff. I knew them through singing. They are my friends at the moment and I hope it remains that way.

With my relationships, I'm working on it. I met this cute guy named Chris on the internet and he 's gonna go to my school next school year. He's the sweetest.

Now, before him, I met this guy name Ken who lives in Toronto and after three days after he wrote me stuff and talked to me with words that weren't for even best friends, he "broke up" with me and told me he was in a love triangle. He broke my heart even after three days and Chris, if you're reading, you better not break my heart after I've melted your heart to the floor!

Gee, this is quite lengthy, if you're still reading, congratulations! Here's a joke: Men are like M&M's, they melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

OK, OK, I'll stop this. I'll continue this next month. In the mean time, stay warm, don't breakup, and stay safe!

Oh, before I go, please read my song in the poetry section of Oasis. It's called "My Second Half".

Lincoln
tci@canada.com
http://i.am/lincolnho


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