Joe P.

February 1999

Okay, this is my first time writing to Oasis so just bear with me. I am 19 years old, and I am sophomore in college. I've noticed that there was no one from Guam (where I am from) among the columnist so I guess I may be the first. Btw, my name is Joe, still a virgin, and I am gay. (Hmm..what do I start talking about..there's just so much things in my mind that I want to say...)

Well I guess I will start with the "when I discovered I was gay". I was a sophomore back in high school, when I was aware I was turned on by guys, had crushes on guys, and enjoyed looking at guys. When I watch a television show or video, I began to recognize that the naked girl in the sex scenes was not the source feeding my libido, but the guy that was doing her was. It all came tumbling down in my head all at once. I was in the state of panic, and began to convince myself this is only a phase. But if it was a phase, I'm still in it.

I began praying to God, in hopes that I can be changed to a heterosexual person. But that never happened. I was stuck with feelings I didn't want. I began to bury all my feelings of being gay deep within my mind, hoping that someday I will change. I went to a Catholic school all my life, and thus discovering this part of 'me' made things harder on myself. Time goes on... After being fully aware that I was attracted to only guys, it made life harder for me. Heh..ironic that I go to an all 'boys' 'Catholic' school. NO Girls!! Fate must have placed a curse on me.

The word 'gay' in my school were stereotypically referred to guys who act feminine or were drag-queens. Gay jokes were quite common as well as straight people acting gay to attract attention and a few laughs. The group of friends I hanged out with were among these people. I would always play along with their jokes and gay acts in front of other people. They were a funny group of people, and despite their putting down of gays, I enjoyed being with them.

By my senior year, I decided however to hang out with a different set of people. People who had the same interests I had. (this referring to games, type of movies, TV shows, etc.) Well, my friends from the other crowd (well just one person in particular) saw this as a betrayal of friendship. Soon, there was rumors around the entire senior class that I was gay. I've had assholes approach me talking to me in a high girl voice, ask'n me what type of guys I like, do you really like it up the ass, and other stereotypical type question about gays. Everytime there was a gay joke made in class it was directed at me.

Being the quiet, shy, closeted person I am, I began telling them I was straight, and I don't have any interest in guys whatsoever. Lies. This whole damned life of mine. I buried my feelings for two years. I avoided people. I became very depressed, antisocial, negative, and cold. I thought that maybe if kept to myself these feelings would go away. Lies. This only helped me think more about myself. Who I am. What I am. I had several sleepless nights just thinking 'why am I gay?' I've cried a lot, thinking that I will probably die alone, never to learn what love is. I've grown up think'n that I will have a beautiful wife and raise a family of my own someday. Have children, thinking about what to name them. But this whole reality came crashing down on me.

I had no one to talk to about these feelings. There was no on close in my life. And the only friend that was still a friend went off to college in Portland. I was trapped and alone. I'm still surprised at being alive at this point. I don't know what kept me on the verge from killing myself. Although I know suicide is not the answer it remains an 'option' in my life. I finally accepted my sexuality by the summer of 1998. And by December I finally found Oasis.

I started browsing through several websites looking for other people like myself. The first source to my comfort that I found was gay.net. It felt like I've finally arrived at the right neighborhood, but it didn't answer my questions fully and the answers that I found there were quite obscure. It was just a matter of time after tracing several links where I finally arrived here at Oasis. I've finally struck gold. I've yet to read all the issues (I'm finally at the March of '98), browsing through the columns, questions, etc.

Well, anyway, that is part of my depressing and dark life. Congrats to those who actually took the time to read through it all. Oh, and excuse some of grammar and limited vocabulary, English is my weakest subject. Heh.. Unlike all the writers of Oasis, I know mine is not as well put, eloquent in nature, or even as half as outspoken as your stories. (Besides I wrote this thing about 2:30a.m. so give the guy a break).

Joe P.

Comments, questions, feedback, complaints, hate-mails are welcomed at jcp14@hotmail.com

p.s. If anyone from U.O.G (University of Guam) is reading this, look me up. I may look a little mean or a snobbish-like person, but I'm just not the type to start a conversation. I'm really friendly and I'm just looking for someone to talk to that's all. I won't bite, unless you ask me to.

p.p.s. Well, if I manage to survive, I'll probably talk more about my life and this island I live in.

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