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Diego Mays

February 1999

Definings

Everyone has at least one. I take that back. Everyone has ONE. That one person who is your defining moment. That person who drives home the point that you're different from other guys/girls. He makes you wonder why as well (in case you don't already know). That person who really makes you realize (if you didn't already know) that you're either gay or bi. Years later, you'll think of this person again. Maybe you'll have a slow grin. Maybe you'll feel melancholy. The person just is not easily forgotten.

For me the time he came into my life was at a time when I didn't know what gay/bi was. I also had only noticed that for some reason I liked looking at guys. He was my defining moment and his name (of course, it's not his real one) was MG.

Back in eighth grade, I was on my way to becoming Loner Guy. My father wanted me to stay at home so my 'friends' thought I was uncool. However, I was neat to have around if you needed a pen or paper or if you needed to know what was going on in the comic book world. Otherwise, they just ignored me.

I loved Choir though. It was an easy class and the teacher was nice. She only had one rule: If you want an A, all you had to do was sing. The class was a mixture of eighth and ninth graders. It was trying because I didn't have anyone to talk with about things. Instead, I fell into my world of writing and comic books. Then one day, someone cut through my thoughts and said: "Hey, Zorro."

I didn't know this guy at all who was my height, had black hair, and looked at me with thoughtful brown eyes. MG was a ninth grader so I was surprised that he was even talking to me. I did what a shy person would do: I said hi and retreated back into my world of comic books.

Over the next few months, MG started to become more of a presence in my life. He would pick on me playfully and call me Zorro (for a reason that I've since forgotten). He would be interested in what I wrote or dare me to pick on the girls. MG and I became the practical jokers of the Choir class.

Then it started to happen. It was slow at first. Maybe it was a stray thought here. A look there. A suggestive comment from MG that went over my head almost entirely. Eventually, I came to realize what I wanted to do and what my true feelings for MG were: I wanted to kiss him, and I wanted him to kiss me.

I didn't know what to do about what I was feeling. I didn't even know what to call my feelings. So I did what I could. Denial became my middle name. Of course, it didn't work. The more I deny my feelings, the more MG seem to pick up on it. This reaction was to be...more direct with his action. (No, we didn't kiss or have sex or anything. He just stopped being subtle with what he said or how he acted.) I was so conflicted over my feelings and scared of where they would lead to so I never acted on them.

And to all good things there must be an ending. MG started to change and became abusive. I started to change and became Depressed Confused Loner Guy. We got into an argument one day and things were never the same. We feuded for a few years and finally confronted the other. Afterwards, MG walked out of my life and I attempted to pick up the pieces. I became an emotional wreck and a different person from my experiences with MG. It took me longer to accept my feelings toward guys. It took me longer to trust people again. It took me a while to feel comfortable and secure with myself.

Funny how life can throw a curveball at you. You never know how unresolved things are until you see a person again. Yeah, it turned out that MG goes to ASU here as well. It freaked me out at first, but that passed.

So do I hate MG? I did. Now, the emotion felt toward him is sadness. I'm sad because of the person he has become. I'm sad because of the person I've become. I'm sad because we were so close and now there's a rift between us that will never be fixed. I'm sure that almost everyone else out there has had a good, safe defining moment. MG was my defining moment. I realized the difference that was in me. I eventually realized I was attracted to guys and struggled with it. Eventually, acceptance came. Years have passed since I've first met MG. All I feel is a sadness and the urge to have him in my life again. I know it's not possible because too many things have happened between us. I still remember his smile and his "Hey, Zorro!" though and I want to cry for the innocence that was lost too early.

Diego

Send all thoughts, opinions, comments, and the like to my email address: aob999@goplay.com


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