February 1999

"You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way"

-- Tracy Chapman, "Fast Car"

I've thought about that a whole lot the last month: just getting up and leaving it all behind, going somewhere and starting over. Becoming somebody who was never the quiet kid in the back of the room staring at the guy sitting next to him, never had to stop in the middle of a sentence to keep from letting his big Secret slip.

The holidays were especially bad. As far as I was aware of, I only went an hour without thinking about Paul the whole holiday break. That's one thing I always remind myself about if I get to thinking about leaving, actually: if you missed him that badly over two and a half weeks, what would forever be like?

I did just leave one day from school; it got to be too much for me. (I highly recommend doing something uncharacteristic and unpredictable like that once in a while; it's really empowering, and quite a good attention-getter.) When my mother found out and asked if anything beside what set that off was wrong, I didn't have the heart to tell her something to the extent of, "You won't accept me if you knew I was gay, and that's ruining everything." There wasn't all bad that came out of that incident, though; I did have Paul's undivided attention for the better part of an hour the two days immediately after that while I was telling the story.

By the way, it seemed to me that we had a GREAT edition in January. Keep up the good work everybody!


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