Ryan R.

February 1999

Well.. I enjoy reading these articles, so I thought I would write my own. First, a quick intro I guess...

I'm fifteen years old, I live in Arizona, I'm a sophomore in high school. I first knew (for sure) that I was gay about a year ago. About 6 months ago, I came out to my best friend, he was very supportive. In the following months, I came out to the rest of my close friends (minus Caleb because I've had a huge thing for him for a year or so). So they all know, mostly guys, but one girl, which is neat, she loves to talk about guys with me, and I'm not complaining either. I believe about a month ago was when I came out to my parents, my mother asked me and I answered with absolutely no hesitation (shocking myself). As far as religion, I have no beliefs, I'm atheist (and quite frankly find most religious beliefs laughable (no offense)).

So that is me, real quick anyway.

It is the first day of 1999, and I feel somewhat dedicated to come out to, and express my feelings for Caleb, sounds weird? Well, I decided it because I've basically been going nuts for the past two weeks, sitting at home, off from school with nothing to do, and never able to get him out of my head. I spent New Year's at Disneyland, I was in California for about 3 days, the whole time utterly distracted with Caleb.

I had a dream in California, I was in the mall, and some guy came up and started hitting on my best friend, it was weird, but I started hitting on the guy, and we ended up together. That was the best dream I've had in a long time, all we did was go on a date, to dinner, and it made me so incredibly happy to be with somebody, to have somebody. I feel like I need somebody, I have so much love to give, and I want somebody to love.

So the dream was great, it made me feel good, but it depressed me by turning my thoughts to Caleb, and the (most likely) reality that I will never be able to be with him.

So it was, that I couldn't handle it much longer, I have to know the truth either way. I don't want to find out that he is straight, but I am well aware that that is the most likely answer and I figure that I had better find out sooner rather than later, so I can take it and work through it.

One of my greatest fears is losing Caleb altogether. Caleb is such a great, caring, wonderful person that I cannot stand the thought of losing him as a friend, and I would be completely devastated were he to break off the friendship.

The bad possibilities of expressing myself to Caleb are almost too much and scare me away from telling him, but I have decided that I need to tell him and find out either way, because I just cannot take it anymore.

I never really expected to have such great feelings for a close friend, I never wanted to, because I am aware of what can happen to relationships when feelings like that become involved. For about 9 months I shut out and blocked the feelings for him, tried to avoid them. As many of you well know, feelings like those cannot be shut off and ignored, it just doesn't work like that, you have to face them sooner or later, and I did, and I feel ever stranger around Caleb as the days go on.

I do feel that there is a strong possibility that he is gay, whether he knows it or not. This could very well just be hope, as many of you know how that one works. But I pick up something from him. I am hoping and hoping, trying to stay optimistic.

One other thing is, all my friends and family have been so incredibly supportive that I do not understand why I fear telling Caleb, seeing how all my past experiences have been so good, perhaps it is just the overwhelming feelings I have for him that make it so hard.

Wish me luck, I will be nervous as hell going back to school. I'm not sure this will even be posted, not sure how this whole thing works, but if you read this, I'm sorry it is boring, I am just harping, stuff I haven't gotten out yet. If I write to this again--which I plan to do--they will be more interesting, but right now there is a lot of stuff I need to vent.. thanks for reading!

please, feel free to write me, I love to get email



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