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Schell

February 1999

Jesus To a Child

"And what have I learned, from all this pain,
I thought I'd never feel the same,
About anyone, or anything again.... but now I know.."
--George Michael

Happy 1999 everyone!! I'd like to extend a thank you to everyone who e mailed. I'm sorry I haven't written back but I have been extremely busy with trips back and forth to Regina as well as numerous other projects that I have seemed to still continue on with. I'm still not done my stories based on the NEXUS experience in Edmonton in September, but I managed to get one of the short stories into XY, crossing my fingers and praying to the powers that be that XY will publish it. Otherwise I'll recap my past couple months.

On the ex-boyfriend front, I've put the majority of it behind me, thanks to a couple of my close friends, my building of my record collection for Dj-ing, as well as a new interest whom is absolutely sweet. I work with him at my workplace and he and I met in August of 1998, when I was seeing whom I was before. He was really shy, and me being the extravagantly, overly social person I am, had to talk to him. His cuteness added an extra bit of charm as well as interest. But at that time I slapped myself, realized I was involved and went on my way. I never saw him again, or tried to ignore him until November, when I returned home from Regina after the rave. Well, he came up for something to eat and I gave him a hard time, in the process realizing afterwards we had just massively flirted with each other. Well, as the weeks went by I began playing Santa at work, and every time I saw him while in costume I made sure to give him a candy cane, which made him smile and blush, which in turn made me smile and blush as well. Before Christmas I was playing Santa Claus again when my friend decided to take a pic of the two of us together. I was happy about this, and as he put his arm around me (!) , I felt a little more warmth than usual. *laugh*

On the 23rd I played Santa at Diva's as a bit of an extra on the side. It was way too much fun, getting molested by all the cute men and lesbians alike in the bar. I never made it out until three in the morning and finally got home at four. Went to work for eight in the morning with a little bit of a buzz, and then headed to Regina for Christmas. The holidays were way too short though, as I made it back on Boxing Day and then I was off again to Regina New Years Eve for Boogie Down, a huge rave held in the city's Agridome. I never made it back to my mom's until eleven in the morning, after attending a house party and a small rave in a restaurant afterwards. All in all it was really good fun.

So my life so far has consisted of going back and forth to Regina and flirting with cute work guy (in order to simplify things we'll call him C.W. Lost yet??). Everything with that seemed to be going well on that front until about a week ago. The reason being we were talking as I walked him to the entrance of work when a very familiar person was waiting for him at the door. Familiar in the sense that I know him from when I used to cruise the adult amusement store in Saskatoon. (please note: I do not condone this behavior, as it is too risky) This guy who cruises the adult store , in my eyes is very dangerous, considering he has a target on his chest for any type of STD, including the HIV virus. Now you would think this shouldn't affect me at all. But I remember while cruising this man getting fucked by four different partners within a two hour timespan. All of it unprotected. Luckily I never got laid by the cruising scene now that I think of it. But one night during a conversation this man brought up C.W. and divulged details I shouldn't be hearing (innocent me).

Anyhow, when I saw the two leave the store together I became violently ill, and very worried. Not only did I suddenly have a piece of information that C.W. may want to know, but it wasn't until I got to Regina, backtracked a couple of conversations and replayed them did I put two and two together and things suddenly began to feel a hell of a lot worse. I was upset, no doubt. Here someone I finally began to care about for the first time in a long time was at danger of getting hurt and here I felt helpless, not able to say anything. I asked guidance from a couple of friends, including a few online, and they all told me the same thing, to tell him as soon as possible. Now that's all good but two things can happen as well as two outcomes.

If I tell him about this guy and the risk he's taking, he may get angry at me and all of the work I put into wanting to date him will go up in smoke. I know it sounds selfish but... the other option is I don't tell him and let him continue what he's doing, only to still risk himself as well as anyone else. And me?? Well I don't think I could forgive myself if he tested positive and I never warned him. I guess that's one of my main weaknesses. I like someone way too much at the beginning then end up disappointed. I know if CW rejects me I'll be hurt, but I have to wonder how much more hurt I will be if I withhold information from him that may save his life. *shrugs* I'm between a rock and a hard place. When I wrote on the subject of AIDS in my September column, I thought that was very close to home. Now I realize this is much closer than I want it to be.

In other news I have been very busy working on doing the DJ thing. I still pick up about 10 pieces of vinyl every two weeks. My collection has grown to the point now where I've bought a substantial amount enough to put together an hour long set, which of course is what I want. Now to get the equipment and to get started on my way. *evil grin* Oh for those of you who want to know what I'll be spinning, I'll be spinning a range of techno, trance as well as progressive. Tentatively my first DJ slot is going to be in mid April, playing for someone's birthday. I'm still looking for a name though for DJ'ing. Any suggestions?? E mail me.

Apart from that, there's a rave here on the 30th of January called Genesis, in which I'm having a visitor come in from out of town.. *swoon* I'll keep you all posted.

Schell
donatello@sk.sympatico.ca


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