March 1999

I have some good news and some bad news this month.

The good news: I did go on my first date with a guy.

The bad news: It didn't turn out very well.

Well, I should clarify that. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just met the guy, who I'll call "Ricky" for privacy's sake, for a late-lunch/early-dinner-type deal. Lots of awkward pauses. We had some things in common. But it was not a good situation. Here's why: The night before, I was talking to him on the phone, and I asked him what colleges he went to before attending UC, the school we are both currently at.

His answer confirmed one of my suspicions... that I already knew who this guy was. I realized that I had been conversing with him pretty regularly about two years ago, when I first started chatting on IRC. Only we both went by different nicknames back then. I don't think he realizes who I am, fortunately. See, here's the problem. I stopped responding to this guy a long time ago. I put him on my "/ignore list" because he started getting very vulgar with me. He kept trying to convince me that I should let him be my "first time," when all I wanted in the world was another gay friend to talk to. So I dropped him.

And now, the one person I would never have wanted to meet in person, I met. And it wasn't terrible. He wasn't an evil guy. But his "record," so to speak, had already been tainted, and it was difficult to stop wondering if "Ricky" was for real, or if he was trying to take advantage of me. I know it's a terrible thing to think, but facts are facts, and it's a shame things had to work out that way.

And just to clarify, I don't hate him. I just can't date him. And when I told that to him, he said he wasn't expecting anything more than just friends, so that's cool. I haven't spoken to him since though.

I did come to a startling conclusion this month, though. I think I'm beginning to grow up. Yeah, I've always been a "late-bloomer," so to speak. But the simple fact that I'm dealing with these issues and starting to discuss them openly either means that I'm growing up, or that I'm becoming more comfortable with my sexuality and myself in general. Hehe... or maybe both.

That's really all I have to say this month... a lot has happened, but most of it is in my head. Since you can't see inside my head, it would take a *very* long time to try and explain the foundation which is B R I A N.

Anyway... have a good month... I'll try to do the same. One day at a time, right?


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