Hi, the name's Dion. I'm a 19-year-old bisexual, and I'm pursuing journalism at Transylvania University. This is my first submission to Oasis Magazine, and I hope that this will be the start of something beautiful.
I entitle my story "Tranquil Demon."
I swear, anyone could write a screenplay about my crazy life and my even crazier bisexuality. What I originally thought was a rush of hormones had actually proven to be my destiny in life. What followed was a struggle of acceptance, filled with bitter pain and endless tears. High school is the time in one's life when being "different" is so hard to deal with. All I had ever asked for in life was to be happy...hey, I didn't need the top fashions or the fancy car, my happiness was my one true wish. And look what happened. Well, it wasn't happiness, that's for sure. We all talk of our first loves, our first crushes...when I looked upon a cute guy in my gym class, and I felt that rush of elation fill my blood, it was over.
"Sometimes, I feel that rush inside of me, and I can't help myself..." Cher, "All or Nothing"
Shaking my head, splashing cold water upon my face. Cute girl walks by when I leave the gym locker room. Very cute. Could I sigh any louder? Of course. He walked by again, smiling..."Hey Dion." Can't even say hi back...too enamored by his beauty, his gentleness.
Moonlit beach, dancing waves, him in my arms...kissing him softly.
"If you kiss me, I won't tell..." Monifah, "Sugah Sugah"
Damned fantasies. You know that wouldn't happen, you crazy fool. Oh well, I suppose you can dream a little, can't you, self-deluded little boy?
Madness. Anger. At times I wanted to knock my head against a wall, just to chase out this tranquil demon burning within me. I heard of the queers that the guys spoke of...the ones that liked guys, chased them, pinching asses, how disgusting! But hey, I was cool...I liked girls. Girls have always been the objects of my affection, and they're not bad as close friends either. But wait...I like him too, don't I? I like the blonde hunk in my gym class who can shoot a 3-point basket with the greatest of ease. I like the flow of his hair even when it's sweaty. What an awesome guy...*sigh*
Tranquil demon, burning within me. Making me do things I don't want to do. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to be outcasted. Damn it, I wanna be a normal teen!!
But wait a sec, if I like girls....I'm okay!
Damn, I like guys too, don't I?
Oh...so I'm bisexual, huh? Cool. No wait...I'm a freak! Sure yeah, I can date twice as many people as anyone else, but that makes me twice as single when I'm not with anyone! And I can't have a boyfriend because I'll freak out everyone. And girls won't get all enthused about it either. Well, maybe I won't tell them...I can keep it a secret.
"You're no good, you're no good, you're no good...baby, you're no good...but I like it." Wild Orchid, "You're No Good (But I Like It)"
Well, what turned out to be my little secret had become a nightmare for me. Fortunately, I didn't face too much hell for my bisexuality. I didn't tell anyone except my best friend Cathy, and she turned out to be bisexual like me. How ironic, no? However, it was hard to find love in school...fortunately for me, most of the girls were snobs, and they quickly turned off my interests. Guys were the same way...besides that gorgeous Fabio in my gym class, none of them were very awe-inspiring either. Still, a guy can get pretty lonely. I mean, all the cute guys and girls were beyond reach...either on TV or in movies. School and work occupied most of my time, but what free time I had was focused too hard on love, and how lonely I truly was. It made me realize that I was pretty damn miserable. I couldn't stand looking at couples, even at my cool girl friends who had the loves of their lives at their sides. Damn it, why couldn't those little hotties be bi boys like me too, huh?! *sigh* It was the worst...
And yeah, my tranquil demon still burns within me at times. Well...fine, you twisted my arm...it burns me ALL the time. It's so hard to like both sexes...too much temptation. Oh well, I denied myself a long time in high school, and now that I'm "out," I'm not holding anything back. Girls and guys catch my eye in this crazy city of Lexington, and because there's a distinct gay community in it, I've come across my fair share of cute guys too.
You know, maybe my passion isn't a demon after all...it's treating me awfully well. Oh well, until I'm running down the street chasing my beautiful volleyball playing hunks or my gorgeous models, my hormones are cool with me.
(Gets up to stretch, noticing a cute guy running without his shirt on the sidewalk outside of his apartment...eyes widen to take in his beautiful body as he notices the girl jogging alongside him...grabs his planner and a pen from the shelf.)
Hmmm...never thought I would like to run...maybe track, who knows? Until then, gotta chase my darlings...later--(and God I hope he's available!)
"Hey! Wait up! Do you play volleyball?! Damn it, SLOW DOWN!! HEY!!!" (Of course it's me, silly!)
Submitted with Love,