Lincoln Ho

March 1999

Hey people! Hope you all had a great Valentine's Day with your companions!

Gee, a lot can happen within a month. My perspective of things around me and who's around me has changed dramatically. But before going onto recent things, I'll have to go back to July because I totally skipped it last month.

Anyway, I am a part of the Royal Canadian Air Cadets and I took a three week camp/course called Air Studies, where you learn about the basics of aircraft and stuff that applies to flying, like meteorology and stuff like that. It was my third summer camp and I knew sort of what was expected to come.

So, I go into the camp and, doing what I did the year before, because I really enjoyed it, I kept a journal of day to day happenings at camp. I was nice enough to share a locker with this Tobias guy. Anyway, I wrote a lot of personal things in there about how I liked some of the guys in my flight (company for army) and stuff. Tobias, opens the locker and takes out the journal for the people in the room to read (there's six in the room including me) when I'm not there. Soon, the whole floor of the male barracks was in the room listening to someone read the journal to everyone. That's when I got into the doorway and noticed that they were going through my journal. No one realized I was there and I ran downstairs and just sat there for a long time. I talked to Natalie, who was in the female barracks and a few other girls as well because they already knew. I got back into my room when they were done and a few of them were like talking "loudly" to each other how they would beat up some guy if they started liking them and how they hate fags and stuff. Some of them were acting gay to each other. I just crawled underneath the covers "And I don't want the world to see me 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am" - Iris, Goo Goo Dolls. I managed to survive the rest of the day and managed to shower with the guys.

The next day, I was called into the officer's office and O/Cdt C. (he's so hot) asks me what happened and how I felt because one of the flight staff found out. Later that day, a bunch of officers yelled at the whole air studies course and I felt so bad because it was all my fault, but then, everyone signed an agreement on harassment (which actually includes sexual orientation in it). I was given permission to get some people to be RTU (return to unit, which means they don't pass the course and leave) and if anyone bugs me, I was allowed to beat them up. Even though I was given special privileges, I didn't use them. For one, I just wanted equal rights, not special. Two, I couldn't do it because those guys were so hot. And third, I felt I've already done enough because lots of people were being yelled at for no reason and when some of the girls found out, they cried because they thought it was too much harassment for anyone.

The rest of the three weeks rocked. I got along with everyone in the flight and I guess some of the people understood more about gay people or maybe because they were scared of getting in trouble. Either way, it got the flight closer together for those weeks and it was the best summer camp I ever went to cause I was out of the closet and for the first time in my life, I had absolutely no harassment from anyone, not even a little comment and it was great. If it was that way everywhere around the world, it would be perfect.

Now, to get to what happened with the last month. I'll give an over view and the explain each point. Hmm... this seems like the beginning of an essay. OK, anyway, for the weirdest reason, I am friends with the person that deleted all my e-mails again and found out his side of the story, and I dumped my boyfriend.

For some odd reason, the guy (deleting e-mail guy) phoned me one night and then we just started talking and talking. We talked for like hours and about almost everything, from music to current events to, yes, sex. It felt great.

Now, because of just differences between me and Chris, I broke up with him. We had a lot in common, but we had a lot different and I just didn't feel the spark between us like I have with other relationships. But I'd like to thank him for giving me my first kiss and for understanding me.

So, I am once again single and I wrote more songs. My most recent one is called "Post Script" (please note there is profanity in the song) and it's sort of like a copy of "Unsent" by Alanis Morissette because it talks about relationships that didn't work out. Anyway, speaking of songs, hope you guys enjoyed "My Second Half" from last month. You can see "Post Script" in this issue below.

Now, recently at cadets, we had a sports fun night and we were put into relay teams and stuff to get the most points. I got placed in a group with the best guy in the world, (let's call him Ian). I like him so much and I wished that he would be with me forever and ever. This is also one of the reasons why I broke up with Chris because I couldn't stop thinking about Ian and I don't like it with relationships that don't mean much to one person. It's not fair to either side. And he's broken the record because usually, my crushes come and go like day and night. I've been thinking of him for almost a week. Anyway, you never get your wishes but I got a very nice birthday present from him (Ian) though. One of the activities of the night was to feed the other person with your mouth holding a spoon. Ian chose me as partner and I fed him rice-crispies. We got so close together and I can still see him right now opening his mouth for me, almost kissing me. I love his eyes and now I can't stop thinking about him and I know I've had crushes on so many guys but Ian is definitely the biggest crush I have ever had. The next station was like passing a t-shirt around the group as fast as possible. Now, I actually got to hold his hands. And with the coldness of the hanger, he melted my heart when his hands held mine. A few stations after that, we had to pass a ball around the group with the ball between our chin and neck. I went crazy after this one. Ian was the one that passed the ball to me and sometimes when the ball didn't get in my reach, it rolled down him slowly and so, I usually ended up going down his chest and smelling him while getting the damn tennis ball. He didn't complain about it and I certainly don't have any rejections. But he was so nice and warm and stuff to me. I wished I chose St. Joseph so I could be with him. Even though there may never be a chance of us together, at least we seemed to talk a lot. Aww... I can still smell his wonderful body and see his gorgeous face. I even added him to my dream guy list in my web page. I hope he doesn't see it before I tell him. And I will tell him how I feel about him. I know it is the most riskiest thing to do but if I really want him, I can at least try.

Speaking of the web-site, I started building my web-site on Friday. I think it's pretty good so far and a few people have visited it already and signed my guest book. I have so many ideas for it and so little time and the computer always freezes on me. I hate Pentium II's. So far I have gotten my picture on, my awesome biography, my timeline and half my song lyrics on there. Oh, please visit my site and sign my guestbook (the link should be at the bottom of this page).

Now onto the subject of songs, two days before my birthday was the first big day of the year for me. The choir, along with the band program went to the Sir Francis Winspear Center for music (which is one of the high class concert halls in North America). We missed classes in the afternoon to go to the rehearsal and stuff. During that time that the band was playing and the choir was watching, I had my eyes like glued on to Eric (this was before Ian). It was weird because I've never done that before. Anyway, we went on stage for the rehearsal and I totally like screwed up on one song and to tell the truth, I still don't know it! I did OK on another song except I squeaked on one of the notes but it was fine. But it was very hard to adjust my ears to my voice in that building. It doesn't look very large but when you sing into it, it's a whole different voice. It was like you could only sing up to your arm length but the back of the hall could hear it nice and clear. Meanwhile during that time, I practiced falsetto on the very high note to match the female voices. Colleen said I was fine and I forgot who said it but someone said that I was better than Brea, who is totally tone deaf. Speaking of Colleen, through all this time, she hasn't found out that I am gay. I can't believe it. Everyone else knows except for her and some other girl. But now they know and they also know about me liking Eric (again, before Ian).

At the performance, I thought I couldn't have done any better myself. From the first day of choral to that day, I have greatly improved in my singing ability. I think that singing challenging songs have given me improvement and strength and when I have my first album, I'll thank this music teacher for teaching me all those songs that I though I'd never sing. Anyway, I think the choir altogether did a brilliant job at lightening up the night. I think it was a highlight of the evening because we were the only ones singing. It was definitely a thrill before my birthday and probably the best present I've received so far, the gift of music and now I feel bad for people that do not get to enjoy the sounds of life.

"Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute. Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while" - Alanis Morissette, All I Really Want. Oh, if anyone would like to write me about anything I write. PLEASE do so! I am very welcome to anything and any points of view. I never know what my stuff is interpreted in another person's eyes.

Whoa! I already wrote quite an amount for this column. I know lots of people don't like to read lengthy things that you have to scroll down the screen for hours but I just like to write and I'll apologize to anyone right now for writing too much because I get pissed off when I get to something really long too. I just past the 2000 mark so I'll stop so I can get enough things to write for next month. Last month, I wrote over 1350 words.

If you're still reading, congratulations! Here's a joke:

4 guys were telling stories in a bar. 1 guy leaves to go to the restroom. So now, with 3 guys left...

The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break. They made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."

Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out he got a break. They made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. Believe it or not, it's like the same story with my son! He started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, he got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1 million in stocks for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their sons so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment. He started out as hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has several boyfriends too. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stocks for his birthday."

In the mean time, stay warm, don't breakup, and stay safe! Read my other stuff too if you can't wait for next month.


Post Script

Music and lyrics by Lincoln Ho

Sorry Chris
That it didn't work out
But maybe it's best that we became friends
Friends are forever
Unlike some lovers
At least we could be best friends

PS Oh yeah
PS Oh yeah
I haven't got much to say but a word
And deep from my heart
I say I am sorry

Hey Ken
I know you were playing with me
But you did hurt my heart and my feelings
I forgive you
We haven't been talking lately
Let's meet to have a few drinks

PS Oh yeah
PS Oh yeah
I haven't got much to say
And if we don't see each other
Then I say farewell

If that is your name you're an asshole
You were 27 and I was 14
And even though
It was over the net
You were the first one to break my heart

PS Oh yeah
PS Oh yeah
I haven't got much to say
But just two words
And those simple words are fuck you
Fuck you

King Sang
I know what you were going through
Some people would say that it was a phase
But if you ever
Get a chance to meet me
I'd be open to thought and opinions

PS Oh yeah
PS Oh yeah
I haven't got much to say
And if we don't see each other
Then it would be fine
Just fine

Kevin Polatchuk
I know you weren't real
But you did make me aware of my feelings
Whoever it is
I would like to meet you
To see who I fell in love with

PS Oh yeah
PS Oh yeah
I haven't got much to say
And if we don't see each other
Then I say goodbye

About the Author
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