Joe P.

March 1999

Where are all the gay guys? Are they all locked up in there closets? Or are they just not aware that they are actually gay?? Heh ..sorry I'm just a little frustrated, because in every one of my classes at college, there is always one cute guy in it. I can't seem to concentrate on my work because I find myself staring at that person, not to make it too obvious. Well you know what I mean..

I guess I can't blame those people in the closets, because hey ..it took me several years to finally accept myself for what and who I am.. But loving and being comfortable with who I am is a different question. The fact that there are no gay-support type groups, no book stores carrying any gay-type magazines, and with a populations that consist of 80% being Christians.. Life is pretty harsh if your gay living on this island.

Maybe I'm not meeting any gay guys because of my personality.. I'm the quiet and shy type. I'm terrible at starting a conversation, so several people's first impression of me is the snobbish and mean type of person.. I don't go around telling people I am gay, but if they just only ask me I would tell them.. And when I actually begin to talk to someone, I'm always saying things or do things for no apparent reasons that offend them. I'm usually clueless when this happens, and I wouldn't know what I said or did offended them, until the point where I'm totally ignored by that person. *sigh*

I had one really, really close friend once. We first met during my freshman year in high school. We were in the same class until my senior year. I was never close to my parents or my brothers, and so when I had any sort of problem he was the one that was always there for me. He was the emotional support that I never got at home. He was suppose to be the first person that I was planning to come out to.. But unfortunately, that never happened. He was willing to tell me all his darkest secrets, but I was to close minded to tell him mine, the fact that I was gay. Above this I began hanging around a different group of friends; eventually this made him think I was avoiding him, and so he began to ignore me completely. I wanted so much to apologize to him, but I never had the courage to do so in front of him. I was angry at myself.. I began to isolate myself from the world itself. It was bad enough that I was gay, and now this. I was lost. There was no one I could talk to about any of this. For the first time in my life, I felt truly alone... After this depressing experience, friendship is the one thing I cherish the most. I envy those who had at least one friend they were able to come out to.. because currently I have none...

Love, peace, and hopes..

Joe P. (Expecting the worst, hoping for the best)

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