March 1999

Well it's February 14. Lovers' day, and I am alone, as usual. sob. ha. No I am fine, though I was just rejected by some guy who was, for a change, into negroes, though apparently not my kind...interesting...well I guess from here on out I can no longer blame my alone-ness (in a sexual sense) on racism, I'll have to move on to type-ism. ("Dammit, it's not fair! I should be everyone's type!" Ha, ha.)

The knowledge that I am not alone in my lack of universal appeal should be comforting, but of course it is not, any more than any other such news -- that I am no worse off than anyone else, and in fact better off than many people, who are worse off than me -- is comforting.

Yes, life sucks, and most men lead lives of quiet desperation ( I'm guessing that some number of the rest of men are leading lives of noisy desperation, huh?).

It's quite frightening to come back on AOL night after night and see the same people looking for the same things, night after endless night...it's scary to be one of those people. And I am one of those people, and I don't dig that much at all. Not healthy for the self-esteem, although, maybe I shouldn't have any self-esteem. chuckle.

Whew!! Before I just came online and was cold dissed, I was going to write about this experience I had yesterday picking up a guy on the subway. That was interesting, kind of. But certainly that story will have to wait for another time. For now, bed awaits, and the morning when I will have forgotten how I felt last night, and why I felt that way.


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