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Mario

March 1999

I'm About to Give Up...

Since this is my first column, let's do the intro thing. I'm Mario and I'm a human being... There that's a pretty bland start...

I've decided to start this first time article with a title that may sound negative. First, let's clear that misconception out of the way. The title does not mean that I've given up on life. Actually, I'm considering giving up on the so-called fact that I'm gay.

Now, I'm not a convert to being straight or for that matter an individual who believes that being gay is a bad thing. On the contrary, ever since I came out I feel better about a lot of things yet this coming out has brought things that I had not previously worried about or concerned myself with. Before, as a closet case, I worried about people finding out the fact that I'm gay. Now my primary concern is being fired from my job just because I'm gay. I also think about finding the right guy where previously I would concern myself with whether there were any other gay people around.

When I was still in the closet I did everything possible to hide the fact that I'm gay. I guess that's why it took close to 20 years to come out, and then another year to actually admit it in public. After my self-enlightenment, as I like to call my coming out, I fought for one year with dealing with the public approach to gay people. It was difficult not to speak up when my friends would make jokes about gay guys, or lesbians. My loyalties seemed to be split between my friends and being gay. Eventually the hiding from friends became to much to handle, as I noticed I was snapping at them and got angry over the smallest things. You could say I was a rebel fag without a cause. My friends are now far and few between. It's ironic how the fact that I like guys makes me a freak, a stranger in some people's eyes.

Coming out did get rid of friends but they have been replaced with gay friends. This is a good thing as I can't talk about being gay more comfortably than with anyone else. Sometimes my gay friends provide an insight into a facet of gayness that I was unaware of...

I guess that looks like an attempt at writing my first column. As it states to give some info about myself (the writer in this case) here goes. I live in Edmonton. I love music of all kinds ranging from Chopin to Crystal Method and beyond. I'm 23 now and go to school part-time and working full-time. I'm also a proclaimed workaholic as my friends put it... Any rants and raves can be sent to: lucid909@hotmail.com


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