Aztec is a 19-yo living in the Midwest looking for answers
[if you read this, and you have any insight, please e-mail me and share, I really need the new perspective]
I wonder at times if when I sit down to write something for Oasis, if, in fact, I'm saying the same thing over and over again. Why would I do this? Is it not being read by others? Is it not sinking into the screen, so as it doesn't completely drain from my psyche? Or, is this allergen always revising itself, to where currently, it's in Version 7.841b? Am I just a bitch?
Can anyone hear me?
I'm invigorated to write something to all of you, every time I get my new issue of XY, The Magazine For Sex-Addict Narcissistic Wanna-Be-S.F.-Living Queer Raver Youth Who All Look The Same. I have no idea why I even subscribe to this publication anymore, probably because I just got locked into a subscription, and I'm too lazy to cancel it since I already paid up, a year ago. I started it because about three years ago, I was sixteen, alone, and for some reason the magazine made me feel more connected to people living in my own circumstance. Originally the magazine seemed to be geared toward gay youth who lived in smaller towns, outside of the larger underground culture. It was a way for them to communicate with each other, and imagine that they weren't in B.F.E. for one moment, no matter how short.
I wonder if things changed, I've just gotten more angry, or if all of this is some delusion because I need something to write about for Oasis. Recently, I've noticed that the magazine XY seems to be falling right in with normal gay youth culture. If you don't live in San Francisco, or someplace pretty close indeed -- if you're not part of the underground raver culture -- if you don't participate in phat pants, pacifiers, unprotected sex, piercings everywhere, or phreaking out on pills galore, you just have no place here- or there.
Are any of you angry too? Do you feel ripped off, allergic, or just plain confused?
I'm not an angry person- well, I'm angst, but no more angst than a bisexual 19-year-old male should be. I'm not in the closet, half-closet, or pretending to be bisexual because I'm really gay and scared that I'm going to lose my gold card if I spill the beans. I've been out there since 1994.
I'm straight acting- not Str8 acting- whatever the hell that is. You'll usually find me sitting around my house, or a coffee shop- reading, writing, or just socializing while wearing a stained pair of 501s, a white T-shirt, one of my Jockey pullovers, and my six-year-old pair of 8-eye Doc Martens. I'm not huge, I'm not a hideous excuse for a man, and I usually don't bring any attention to myself unless I'm screaming 'PENIS' to win a dare game in public (usually at Denny's). Does this sound unusual, unoriginal, boring? Should I run as fast as I can to get garbage-style rave music, piercings, tattoos, track marks, phat pants, tight shirts. Should I really be shopping at Express, Structure, and GADZOOKS, instead of places like Marshall Field's, and GAP? Should I get as much metallic colored clothing that is humanly possible? Should I be living in a condo with my boyfriend, with our two white Explorers out front, playing scrabble and drinking wine, with the fireplace active because the gas furnace doesn't smell natural? Should I try to fit into a pseudo-heterosexual lifestyle, the underground-rave-culture lifestyle, or should I just stay where I am?
Simon says dye your hair green. How can I respect those people?
Should I just stop bitching, send away to San Francisco, California for my gay youth culture membership kit, and join 'em? Should I turn in my bisexual membership card, forget the whole thing, and settle down with some cute ex-cheerleader teenage girl? Should I climb a tower and take out the town? Listen to my confusion. I want to turn off the side of me that's attracted to cute little boy-next-door types. Half of me wants to live in Castro and be part of it all, and the other half of me barfs. Is this my heterosexual side fighting with my homosexual side? Yin and Yang don't seem to Goddamned fair at this point.
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
If you do, I'm sorry. I hate to be stuck here unsure what to do. I'm too independent to take the steps cited in the Gay Youth Culture Manual of Survival, and I'm too damned of an individual to run to the closest larger city around me, move in, and be part of the boy-loves-boy culture. I've been out for 5 years now, and I still haven't met one guy who is gay or bisexual in real life that I can actually respect. My friends see my frustration and just tell me to either forget about it, live as a straight male, and forget that I ever had this crazy idea- or join the club and cash in on me 'any-chance-for-respectability-lifestyle.' My CD collection is comprised mostly of REM and Tori Amos, for God's sake. Cash out? Sell Tori?
[a good place for a premature ending]
Aztec Yhessin [email@example.com], living in South Bend, Indiana, is just some 19-year-old bisexual dude looking for answers in places he's already looked. If you can help, e-mail. www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/6929