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A.J.

April 1999

It seems I always start these articles the same way. But the form seems to be effective, so I might as well stick to it. Just running over the things I want to talk about in this article, it seems like I'm going to be here for a while.

HIV Negative

Well, I guess from the header, you know what I'm going to talk about. About a month ago, on my way back from biology class, decided to go in and get an HIV test. The AIDS Awareness program was having free testing, and I decided to go. The test alone took an hour, because I was a walk in, and they were running behind schedule as it was. The actual test took 30 seconds, and was basically testing for oral HIV antibodies. HIV is unable to survive very long in the mouth, because your mouth has an enzyme called amylase that destroys the virus, (This does not mean that oral sex is safe without protection. High concentrations of the virus, in guys who precum a lot and/or girls in general can put you at risk. ALSO, if you have any sort of open sore or cut or loose tooth you greatly increase your chance of transmission.) Basically, I began to get really agitated, because my reasonable, sensible side took the backseat to my paranoid side.

The test took three weeks to get back, and result pickups were scheduled for the middle of finals week. My best friend was in town for finals. Let's just say finals week was not a fun experience. I was extremely stressed out, because I'm having major difficulties with my major choice. Essentially, I was a bio major, and now I'm not... and I don't know what's going to take its place. Well on the morning I got the test results back was a horrible experience. I went an hour early, and had to wait until the group came in. I got so incredibly worked up and agitated I can't possibly express to you how many times I swore off sex entirely!

I finally decided I would write some e-mail and get over it. I ended up going back and reading a lot of conversations Brett and I had had in early and mid January. The effect was incredible. Its really hard to describe, but I felt like I was getting this huge continuous hug. My hands stopped shaking, and my heart slowed down from its incredible speed. I looked at the clock, and realized that I could get my results now. I stood up, and I walked towards the room. At that point I don't know what was going on, my conscious side was in the passenger seat of my body. It was like somebody else was walking and moving my body for me. It was really cool and really disturbing at once. I tried to stop at the door and just look in to see if the guy was ready or not, but I just walked in, and gave the guy my test sheet. He got this really big frown on his face, and he hands me the file, with "HIV ANTIBIODIES: NEGATIVE *** 3/16/99" highlighted in neon yellow. I felt like I was going to explode, but the vise on me did not change or crack, I stayed completely cold and distant from the entire situation.

To say that this test was the worst experience of my life is probably cliche, but on the other hand I can't think of another time I have ever driven myself hysterical. Needless to say, whatever Brett's distant involvement in calming me down, or causing that vise to set in and seal me away... I am grateful.

Brett

To a certain extent my anger towards Brett has come out a lot more than I wanted it to. I haven't been the nicest guy in the world when I have talked to him. In fact I've been really bitchy. I think what it comes down to is that I resent him. I resent the control he had over me, the extent to which he could say one nice, sweet thing and fucking make my goddamn day. I resent that I would have moved to LA with him had he asked me to. That pisses me off, a lot. I resent that he lied to me and told me that my feelings for him were reciprocated. I really resent feeling like I should have "PUTZ" tattooed on my forehead. I hate feeling like I was a game for him. I really hate the way that thinking about it makes me feel.

But at the same time, when I was reading those conversations from way back when... I can't help but wonder if there was ever anything there. I guess he really is a good actor, because it sure seemed like there was. Even in the most critical reading of the conversation, there couldn't be any doubt that the feeling expressed seemed to be mutual. <shrug> it wasn't. I know better than to do what I did, but I got played anyway.

That's what hurts the most: knowing that you really genuinely cared about somebody, get told that feeling was mutual, then find out that it isn't, and know that you can't stop feeling for that person. But what happened when I was at the testing place, was that I brought him back into my life. I made him my support. It ended up breaking through the ice that I had preventing me from feeling anything for him. I think I understand what I am feeling now.

I want "Brett" not Brett. "Brett" was the guy that dropped in on me bearing sushi. "Brett" is the guy who told me that he loved me, and meant it. "Brett" was a poltergeist who took over Brett. Brett isn't the same guy that I thought I saw. He's the guy who wants to screw every guy he finds hot, and still say he is a faithful boyfriend. He's not somebody I can be with and really be happy. We are just in different stages in our lives. I want something real and genuine, he wants the glam and pleasure. I guess I have to just keep looking for the "Brett"s and steer clear of the Bretts.

The fact of the situation is that the guy I was dating falls into a category at neither extreme, he's neither "Brett" nor "Brett" but something in the middle. I made a poor judgement in bringing him so close to me, but that mistake has helped me understand myself better. No loss is complete if it helps you grow, and I think that I've grown as a result of being with Brett.

Idaho

Wow, this is a topic I'm going to have to be careful talking about, since I know my friend's going to read it. Have you noticed that you find really wonderful people far far away from wherever you are? Well, Scott's one of those guys. To say that coming out here was a spontaneous, gutsy maneuver is probably somewhat of an understatement. Scott and I have been talking for about 9-10 months on the computer, and about two to three weeks on the phone. <eek> It was an internet meeting. For some reason, barring one exception, my internet meetings generally go really well. My spring break plans fell out the window about the middle of the quarter (since they had Brett in them) and I was seriously taking a trip to Tokyo instead. I had this wonderful roundtrip rate of $550 that was almost impossible to pass up on. In fact, I had filled out the order form and was going to press the send button when Scott IMmed me. We had been talking about actually meeting, and maybe going snowboarding for spring break for a while... and I asked him if he was serious, and decided that snowboarding in Idaho (actually Montana) would be a less expensive and as much fun of a trip than a week in Tokyo. So here I am, in Idaho.

I worked until Wednesday, and flew out Thursday afternoon. It was of course a delayed flight, but I got there okay and we drove around Salt Lake City. There are some really gorgeous guys running around that city... needless to say they are all closeted and/or married and/or straight. We drove the next day up to Yellowstone, where hopefully I'll get a job this summer. Basically, I haven't felt so renewed in ages. I really don't like cities... I don't like being surrounded by millions of people I don't know. At the same time I'm a wannabe country boy. Sure, I've taken care of horses, I can ride, I've done ranch work before... I COULD milk a cow if I needed to... but when its all said and done its not second nature to me. Oh well. I'm stuck in the city for the time being, so I'm going to have to deal with it.

This vacation has been probably the best that I can remember. The fact that I'm going into a lot of debt to pay for it is entirely acceptable, given that I'm getting the first sense of renewal I've had since the summer drama started up. I don't think I could possibly thank Scott enough for having me over, because this is something I really needed and didn't even know it.

I guess that's it...

I'm skipping talking about a lot of family crap that's going on, mainly because it gives me a headache to think about my family, and there's no need whatsoever to do that to myself. Moreover, I think that while I could chatter on and on for another hour about what's been going on in my life, I think that its far more important to keep this brief and get to work on my story/book. Think about me on the sixteenth, because that's my birthday... and have a great month. I know I will (although I'll be bruised as hell after snowboarding!) As always, I LOVE E-MAIL! So send me some at soulseer@cyberdude.com or IM me at uchcgo19. I'm always online from work, and really love the distraction. Take care everybody, and stay healthy.


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