April 1999

My names Craig, I'm 19 years old from Scotland

Roller coaster

Forrest Gump once said "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Well my life's completely different. My life's like a roller coaster, with big ups and very low downs, loads of twisting corners and a few loop the loops.

My month has been really funny, it started of with my birthday when I turned 19, a happy event for some but not for me. I spent it lying in a state of depression in my bed, at the time when I should have been out partying I was lying fast asleep. The story is I had a slight argument with all my friends resulting in not one of them talking to me, but who needs them anyway? They've been of very little support and at the time when I needed support they weren't there. But enough about them.

I lived too long in the past and need to look to the future. I look forward to my first boyfriend, my first gay sexual experience, my first gay kiss. Yet there are no potential boyfriends in the midst, until I met Quinn that was.

To explain a little bit about Quinn, he's a guy I met over the Internet, just after my dreaded birthday. We swapped telephone numbers and lo and behold, he gave me a call. I still remember the first time I heard his voice, I instantly knew who it was and I began sweating as my heart beat so fast I thought it was coming out of my skin. Since then, we've talked loads of times over the phone and tend to be on the phone about 4 or 5 hours. Now this is the bit that may sound silly. I'm falling in love with the guy. I think about him all the time and just want to be with him, want to touch him, want to have him. I've never seen him and never met him but not one second in a day passes when I don't miss him. Now tell me, does this sound silly? I keep saying to myself, "what are you doing?" And my friends are all disgusted, but hey who cares? I'd drop them in a second to be with him, to hold him.

So that's really how my month ended. I still feel really down. I don't know anyone else who's gay or bi, no one who knows what I'm going through. I picture myself in my roller coaster carriage on the longest steepest drop ever, but then I look up and see that as I hit the bottom I begin on a steep climb right back up to the top again.

So tell me, am I being stupid? Am I doing the right thing?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, drop me a Mail any time on craig.m@dtn.ntl.com.

Love ya all and hope you are all happy,


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