April 1999

I keep learning about being in love. But I don't know what it means. I guess I always thought falling in love only happened one way with one person, like my mom and dad. I can see their love. I can tell it's there. And there is their love for me. But it is a different kind.

I loved my friend Steve. Then things changed. I am falling in love with Alan, but it's not the same because I've known him for 5 months not 5 years like Steve. And I love my other friends, but it is different too. I love my older friend Rich, like he is my big brother. He has helped me so much to do the right things the last two years. I love him because he shows me what to do by doing it himself. He is 16 and an alcoholic. But for over a year he has not had any alcohol or pot. I think that makes him pretty special. And he tells me to stay away from it. I love him.

Then there is online love. And it is the weirdest. Over a year ago I met Scooter. And we became friends. Then we soon started to love each other. And soon we found we loved each other so much we couldn't believe it. We live clear across the country from each other. We have never seen each other or talked to each other. But sometimes I feel like he is right in the room with me. I used to wonder how I could love somebody who just writes to me. But I don't even think about it. I just know I love him.

I have other friends online I love. Not like Scooter. But like good friends. Some are my age, some a little younger, and some are adults who help me think about who I am. And sometimes yell at me for being the daredevil I like to be sometimes, telling me to be more responsible. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.

I guess I've been in love more than once. But none in the same way. With a friend for life almost. With a new friend I am getting to know better and better. With my online love who I never have seen but is one with me. And with a boy who is close to being my big brother. And with all that I still don't know what love is. I just know I like it.

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