April 1999

Sex? No thank you

As I progress though my life I can see a clear progression in my sexuality as I have said before. Along with this progression in understanding and growing toleration of what I am my attitudes and opinions have moved significantly too. The most noticeable of these movements is an ability I now feel to see everything for what it is, all the specious lures are removed allowing for me to lay everything bare and see it for what it is and not just the packaging it's delivered in.

Sex for example, was for some time the desire that potently fuelled my existence, life to me was to aspire to fuck and nothing else. My want for sex had originally been induced by the fervent romp of my hormonal traffic which would be expected of any mid to late teenager, boy or girl, queer or straight. I had thought this was only to be expected because as well as having the gay label I also have the teenager label. The label said what I was feeling was to expected.

The label also reinforced the material assets sex holds, I knew of these for myself but time had allowed me to forget so I just wanted MORE. Due to my sexual limiting society this want was only intensified and focused more sharply than before, sexual anarchy ruled my every action, every sentence contained some lewd denotation or heavily implied so. I needed to rebel against my society and this thirst for rebellion nearly drove me over the edge despite being able to talk to friends. Had a doctor seen me I feel a heave course of Prozac would have been the prescription.

This was most likely due to be my becoming more conscious of what it means to be a fag and further more what I am to society. An aroused consciousness of the apparent hatred in my society had the adverse effect from it's intended purpose, instead of this hatred suppressing me it acted as an intoxicating catalyst to my sexual desires there by pushing them to further extremes. If it was only the back of his head I saw while fucking him or just the wall of the door way I saw while being fucked I wouldn't have cared. By doing this I would be giving the big sit on it and swivel to the society that had brought me so may nights of wanting to kill myself. I didn't care that if I were to do what I have just mentioned I would be further lowering societies perception of gays to below dirty slags. This issue of acquired immune deficiency syndrome didn't even enter broad sexscape of my contorted mind.

However, this want for sex was not being met and only made me more miserable. Where I had been able to think clearly about life it was all shrouded in a mist of sexual confusion, my brain was closing down and taking my body with it. I became ill and didn't care. In this time of illness I was able to think and all my want for sex had achieved was a stark realization of my romantic loneliness. I realized that what I really needed was not a quick fuck in a door way but a man to love, subsequently and ardent want for someone simple to hug was aroused within me.

All the want for sex had done was told me I was alone. I was alone and to a certain extent I still am. I desperately seek a relationship with another gay guy and I do almost have. We both know each other, we are both gay and talk but I just don't fancy him and there's not point in beginning a relationship just for the sake of having one and then it ending in tears and us never speaking again. It is for this reason that seem to have a vow of celibacy forced up on me. However, this celibacy allows me to see that sex goes beyond just mere penetration, it exists on mental level between two lovers who are not doing it simply for the pleasure or because society says they should, they are doing it because it is the ultimate sign of affection for another person. It's only then that sex can be called sex. When it's a quick one in a door way it's just a fuck because it is just that, fucking.

If you have anything to say on my situation do please let me know at 'Fend@sylvestris.demon.co.uk'. Thank you all for reading to the bottom of this page, I know it can't of been easy.



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