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Joshua

April 1999

Did you ever put the meaning of your whole existence on meeting just someone that would understand you? Well I did, and I thought maybe all I needed was to meet gay/bi people, and they would at least know what I was going through, but everyone I have met has it so much better than I do. They never thought it was wrong, they had relationships in their early teens, and they like themselves for exactly who they are.

I know now that no matter what sex someone is does not mean that they can understand my every emotion, and I guess that was really stupid even thinking that in the first place, but I did. I guess there is so much I want, but the thought of sleeping every day in the same bed with someone is something I could never do, especially if it was a guy.

I found it so wrong and so unrealistic that Ty and Sean lived together as if they were married. They loved each other, they knew each other's imperfections, and they worked so that they could spend their money together, and well they made love to each other. Their parents were even more than fine with this. Am I the one that has the problem?

They checked out guys with each other and talked about car parts and they made it seem so normal. I have always found myself wanting to be other people, and I guess that continues with this episode. I know that I have to come to terms with who I am, and just be content for once in my life. I know I'm only 18, and so much can happen in the future, but I really do think I shall always be alone, and I am trying so hard to feel okay about that.

I have never loved anyone, and it bothers me so much. I looked around and all my friends had someone to love or at least they had some over obsessive infatuation on someone. I thought maybe that was normal and I wanted to ever be so normal. I always envied Jeff, and so I thought he was the perfect candidate for my first male crush. I didn't like him sexually, but don't get me wrong I did find him attractive. I wanted to be him. He was always a part of the cool crowd, he always had something to say, and his family seemed so normal, so perfect. I ruined our somewhat friendship by allowing him to find out that I liked him even when in reality I didn't, but I will have to come to terms with that like everything else.

I know in trying to express myself I do things that are over the line. I know I don't have to wear strange clothes, make up, or write sexual things to certain people, but I do it to see how far they will take things. I guess I know I'll never be "normal," but there are times I still want to try. I used to write Jeff stupid shit through one of my unknown e-mail addresses just to freak the living shit out of him, and I wanted him to have someone. I wanted him to know how perfect he was. I wanted all of my friends to be happy for they were nice to me when no one else was.

It bothered me so much to see these awesome people without some beautiful girl who could make them happy, and sometimes I wished I could be that someone for them just so they could be happy. I know that sounds really messed up, but once again look who is writing this. I know I liked Jared, Kent, and Elaine the same way and I know that I'm just ruining friendships and my sanity in the long run.

I have known that I was bisexual since I was 13, but only in the past year have I been able to utter those words out loud. It has already been a little over a year now since I started coming out to the people I felt close to. As I began to "come out of the closet," I did it so that I could accept myself and hopefully have the support I needed from those who said they would always love me. I always feared that people would hate me and I would die without people knowing who I really was.

I decided being true to myself was more important than slowly dying over feelings I was born to have. I can still see friends and family members getting very uncomfortable over my sexuality, but they have all accepted me with a few exceptions. I never thought I could live with the thought of losing friends over the fact that I was bi, but I realized they weren't the best of friends before my enlightenment either.

It may not seem possible, but you do go on, and in some ways it is easier because you are being yourself and everyone knows who you are. Growing up in a small town made me feel obligated to be the voice of the gay/lesbian/bi community, and in some ways it has suffocated me and overwhelmed those around me.

I have come to the conclusion that all I have to be is myself, and if standing up for my rights and destroying stereotypes in the process fall along this guideline, than so be it, but I am not going to turn my life into a political statement. I stare at myself through my mirror asking God for assistance, and wondering who that is staring back at me.

I know now that everything I feared people would think of me never truly mattered. The problem is in me and how I feel about myself. I don't know if I will ever truly like who I am, but I know I can't keep hiding from who I know myself to be. Maybe in time I will find it in myself to love the one who actually mattered.

Thank you.

Joshua
running_on_empty@hotmail.com


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