April 1999

Sexuality. Got your attention yet? It seems like in the past couple of years, that is all that anyone has been talking about. We hear about Ellen's, the President's, and several others that we don't really want to know about, especially that devil's spawn Tinky Winky. (Those things are creepy!) So, in the grand custom of letting the personal life into the public, (and at the same time trying not to turn it into a 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation' essay) I have written here the ins and outs to my sexuality.

Does anyone but me remember the Designer Imposters commercial that used to come on MTV with the little black boxes censoring the naked people? Well, after that commercial, I began to realize that I was looking at the guy at the end more than the girl at the first. I grew up a fat kid, and, well, until about two years ago, I was looking at torsos of muscular guys as a 'fitness' goal. Well, now I realize that I had a goal, but it wasn't completely because of fitness.

Since then, many questions have come to me in quiet moments of contemplation. Things like: why are so many gay men attracted to the theatre? What is so cool about a female having a gay best friend? What, exactly, do I classify my sexuality as? That's the tough one, and the whole point of this article. I'll try to explain it as easily as I can, but to do that, I will have to talk about the Kinsey scale a little bit. I'm sure most of you know what that is. (If you don't, go to www.personal.si.umich.edu/~mrohde/kinsey.html and it will explain it there, just come back here when you are finished reading about it!)

Well, I would probably rate among 4 or 5. I do realize that the scale has been disputed in the past, but me telling how I rate on it will probably make some things that follow a little more clear. Instead of placing any label on my sexuality, I would much prefer 'more attracted to males than females.' (Although that is also a label in itself. Go figure.) A friend of mine once said I was bi-curious, which greatly offended me. I know that I am more attracted to my own sex than the other, and I don't think bi-curiousity has anything to do with it. I do, however, refer to myself as gay, when I am describing my sexuality or stating it simply, rather than bisexual; it saves a lot of trouble and explanations that can wait or just aren't necessary, plus, I don't feel bisexual. If anything, and which might make more sense to more people, I would say that I am bisexual because I don't really know how women fit into my sexual equation. (oh, come on, you all have a sexual equation, and it has nothing to do with integers.)

I have been in a relationship with a girl, and I still become attracted to girls, but I think that is just an idiosyncrasy; my reasoning for attraction has nothing to do with sex. When I am attracted to a female, she is (has) one of two things. She has waist length hair or is black. I think waist length hair on a woman is incredible beautiful, and as far as being attracted to black women, I would say that it is not their race, but the fact that black women seem to have a certain strength that not all women have, and that is what is attractive to me: the strength, and the beauty in that strength, that a woman can posses.

There was a girl at a Forensics tournament, whom I competed against in poetry, who did two poems by Maya Angelou. I'm not a fan of Maya Angelou, but the poem, and the way the girl, Toni, presented it was beautiful. The poem is called Phenomenal Woman, and it talking about the seductiveness and power that a woman can posses is even uplifting to me, a gay male. I think needless to say, I was attracted to Toni. Another thing that stems from me admiring the strength in women are my religious choices. I consider myself Wiccan, because I like the thought of divinity being female as well as male. It balances things out more, and gives reverence for all that women can do. Religion, however, is another column altogether, and probably for a different magazine, so that is as far as I will delve into that.

As far as guys go, I like the non-effeminate, nice, intelligent type. I want someone that can hold me in his arms, or vice versa, and just sleep like that. I do seem, however, to be attracted to the 'potentials.' I think you all know what I mean; the people who are also gay or bi, which means that on some level of existence, we could possibly be together, even though on this level we can't stand each other. I think it stems from the fact that I have never had a relationship with a guy before, and so, until I can pick and chose, I put aside all of my ideals and am willing to take whatever comes my way.

I'm not saying that that is a good thing; people tell me I can get hurt that way, and bad, but I don't think that it is completely emotionally devastating. Maybe I just need to learn my lessons as they come. More than anything, I want to love somebody some day. To be with a beautiful man somewhere and adopt a child, and spoil it rotten. Like anyone else, regardless of who they are, what race they are, or what gender they prefer, I want to be happy. Everyone deserves it, even Tinky Winky, however creepy him and his little friends are.

In the future, let's try and keep in mind that we are all out to gain happiness, regardless how we perceive happiness to be. You know, when you think of something that everyone does or has or wants, it makes the world seem a little less smaller. And that is how I define my sexuality.

Well, that is all for this month, I hope you all enjoyed it. I didn't really intend to add the utopian-esque twist at the end, but that is the way it turned out. If I am lucky, at least one person out there has read this and can say, "Hey, at least I'm not the only one." If there is, maybe we can start a special club. Oh yeah, don't forget to go read David's article, he is a fantastically neat person. So, until next time. Don't forget to drop me a note.


Liam is a 16 year old male in Levelland, Texas, a Main Street City of America! E-mail makes Liam happy. If you would like to make Liam happy, e-mail him at willum@animail.net

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