oasis
columns


Sean

April 1999

OK this is my first time writing for OASIS so I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Sean. I am 17 (soon to be 18). I live in the nice little town of Wallkill, NY. Wallkill isn't that bad of a town to be out in. I am virtually the only gay guy in my school who is open about it. I can understand why the others (and I know that there are others) would hide in the closet. The only thing wrong with my school that would even affect my coming out is that the jocks basically rule the school. The teachers let them get away with everything so they never get into trouble so they can do and say anything without being punished.

For my first article I would like to discuss something that was brought up by the show "Dawson's Creek." The fact that Jack was still going out with Joey when he came out struck up lots of issues in myself because I basically went through the same thing.

I knew I was gay since I was born but denied it. When I was young I used to kiss this one boy (he was my best friend) while pretending to be a cartoon character named "Jem." Nothing ever came of it and when I grew up I thought that my kissing my best friend (who was also named Sean) was just stupid thing I did as a child. I never really thought of myself as gay. I grew up knowing something about myself was different but I could never put my finger on it. I had girlfriends but I never kissed them. Guys around my age would have girlfriends but would kiss them and talk about their girlfriend's bodies and stuff and I was never interested in it. I just made stuff up and said things like "She has nice legs" to make myself feel like them. I suppose it is a natural tactic (to try to deny it and to rid suspicion off the mind of my peers) but I have never asked another gay guy if they have done the same thing.

The girlfriends I had were more like friendships and I realized that. In 8th grade I started to "date" a girl named Rachel. People always told us that we were perfect for each other. I was innocent and so was Rachel. My fellow peers were starting to make out and getting to third base (sometimes home) and Rachel and I didn't even hold hands. Rachel is pretty (though some say she isn't because she really doesn't think about her appearance) and she is very intelligent. She and I were always together and we never fought. We sat together on the bus and at lunch. It felt perfect. I didn't have to worry about anything but in the back of my mind was the lingering difference that I couldn't get out of my mind.

People told us all the time that we had the perfect relationship and they wanted a relationship like we had. I will have to admit if it were an actual relationship it would be perfect. They never did see the bad things. Rachel and I never really talked about anything too serious. We never talked about our relationship. We never even talked on the phone. I have to say now that we really weren't happy. It was the same year that the little difference in the back of my mind came out for a brief moment. I knew I liked the bodies of men. I often fantasized about licking the rock hard abs of some hunk, and I caught myself wondering how big a certain appendage of one of my friends was. I just locked it away again and told myself that it was a thought that everyone had.

After the summer of eighth grade Rachel and I saw each other maybe three times. I knew that it was wrong but I just thought it was better that way. We did have one party and at that party we did kiss for the first time. It didn't involve tongue it was just a peck on the mouth. It was the last time too.

In ninth grade everything was the same. We still didn't kiss and we didn't hold hands. Then people began to ask why we didn't kiss. I told them that she didn't want to kiss (she didn't actually....she told me that). Meanwhile people started to question my sexuality and I really didn't want to deal with it. My friends were getting deeper into their relationship. They were starting to have sex, or do the everything but method which has become so widely popular these days.

That entire year I thought about my relationship with Rachel and didn't come up with anymore of an answer. That year passed just like the last. Rachel and I didn't kiss and we didn't hold hands. That entire summer my difference escaped from the back of my head and I thought about men more and more often. I thought of having sex with men and I liked the thought. I just stuffed it back into my head again and denied my true nature.

The next year we were in the same place. A week after our two year anniversary she broke up with me. I don't know why I was so surprised when she said that our relationship was more like a friendship than anything because in all actuality that was what it was. I was very mad at her. I don't know why and still don't know. Maybe I was mad because my security blanket was gone and now I had to face that lingering difference I had tried to keep in the back of my head. I tried to get back with Rachel telling her that I loved her and how I needed her in my life as more than a friend. She thought about it but that same night I faced that lingering difference.

One night while a friend of mine (who later was my boyfriend for a year but he is another article which will be very long and very angry) was sleeping over I told him I was BI-sexual. Then I slept over his house the next week and he and I talked some more and I just said "I'm gay." I didn't like women. We started to date after that and I had no idea what to tell Rachel. I wrote her a letter (a coward's way out but still is effective) telling her everything. I told her about Tim (my boyfriend) and how I was gay and I was sorry for hurting her. I was sure she would hate me and never talk to me again and I told her I would understand that. Then something Rachel surprised me. That same day...hours after I gave her the letter she called me and asked me to come to her church group thing. I was so happy because she and I became such good friends.

So you are all probably thinking "why is he writing this." Even though Rachel and I are still to this day best friends we have never spoken about the letter and how she felt about it. I know how she must feel because I felt totally horrible for hurting her like that. I still feel guilty as anything and I need her to get all her feelings about it out. I wrote her a letter telling her how sorry I was and she never mentioned it. I thought it was opening the door to invite her to talk about it but I guess she didn't want to. I have no idea what to do.

Well that's it. One show made all these feelings come up and they are still there. Well thanks for reading and everything and if you have any questions, comments, death threats, or just feel like writing me you can email me at either sleeve@frontiernet.net or serenity-sama@hotbot.com .

Sean


About the Author
©1998-1999 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.