May 1999

People keep telling me, "Hey, you're only 13 Douglas. How do you know you're gay?" I tell them it's because I like boys. And they say, "Well, it could be just a phase. You could end up liking girls tomorrow." Yep, and I could end up liking asparagus tomorrow too. It's always been boys I've looked at and wanted. Not that I haven't tried something with a girl just because I was curious. Well after doing that all I can say is, my liking boys isn't a phase.

So if I really truly am gay, then someday I should come out to my parents. The problem is I don't know how or when or where. I have had online friends come out. One had his mother quit talking to him for a long time. One had his mother get angry with him and tell him he was going for counseling. One had his parents say it was OK if he was gay and that was that. My friend Alan's step-brother came out to his mom and his mom accepted it.

My friend Rich is 16. He is going to come out at the end of the school year. He has made up his mind, and he is going to take whatever happens. He will be a senior next year and he wants his parents to know what he is and how he feels and what he does.

I get told if my parents love me they will accept me to matter what I am. But it is almost like I don't want to mess up a good thing. I have a good family, my dad and I do tons of things together, my mom is super. My parents are usually fair, and if they aren't I don't mind letting them know (nicely, usually). So why should I come out over something that makes no difference really. I am the same person gay or not. My parents would accept me I think, but why take a chance on their looking at me differently? I just want to grow up normal without my parents thinking, "Oh my god, my son is gay and different." Even if they don't treat me that way they will think that way.

Besides, maybe it is like all these people say. I'm just too young to know what I am. Tomorrow I will wake up liking asparagus and liking girls and my mother will tell me how wonderful I am. But what I really think is that tomorrow I will wake up loving Adam, thinking about some of the boys in my school, knowing I am who I am. I guess I should wait until High School like Rich. Wait until I am old enough that everybody knows I know who I am, because a friend online says being gay is not what I am, it is who I am. So someday I will see if my parents really know who I am.


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