May 1999

Well my fellow Oasis fans, I realize I haven't written in a long time, but what can I say...I've been busy. In fact, my life has been going at a whirlwind pace for the past 5 months. I've had three car accidents, gotten into the college of my choice, won several awards for different things, and I've started and ended a relationship. The last two items on the list will be my topic for this month's column.

It's odd, because as I write this, I debate about going any further. Why? Because I know she'll read it. (For the "she" in that sentence, I would refer to you by name but I'd rather not for obvious reasons, sorry hon.) Just so you know, it won't be a bitch fest, nor will it recount the gory details of our relationship. I think we had a decent relationship, if not a pretty damned good one. She was everything I look for in a girl: intelligent, funny, pretty, good listener, fun to be with, etc, etc, etc.

No, this isn't an "I'm going to go on a rant about my now ex-girlfriend because I'm bitter over the fact that we broke up, so I'll say she's a bitch" because, she's not a bitch. She's far from it. Our mutual breakup was so civil, we were laughing with each other on the phone. This is more of a "Gina's dealing with the breakup of her first real relationship with a girl and she needs an outlet" article.

Just for background reasons, we started go out in November and ended the relationship in April. We had our ups and downs but were there for each other. Then a sequence of events happened and like dominoes, our relationship slowly started to fall. I think the worst part was knowing it was going to end and knowing that she knew it was going to end and not talking about it. The Friday we broke up, like I said, it wasn't bad at all.

However, by Sunday, it hit me.... I was now single.... again. Not like I want to go jump in another relationship, if anything I think I'm gonna wait until I get to college. I don't know, I was just lying in my bed at around midnight, trying to go to sleep when I began thinking of her. Next thing I knew, all of our memories together were flooding my mind and it was three o'clock in the morning and I had to get up in 3 hours. I cried.... a lot.

We had broken up because we were just at different points in our lives. She's a year younger than me and grew up with a completely different background. I honestly think that if we can maintain the friendship (which I hope and pray will be) we'll be really good friends, it's just that the whole girlfriend thing wasn't working for us. But, this was still my first real relationship. Sure, I had one relationship with a girl briefly, but I don't even know if that could be counted, it was really quite dysfunctional. I guess I'd be better off saying that this was my first semi-normal-healthy relationship and there were of course, my flings with girls that were very intense, very physical and VERY brief but they were hardly the relationship she and I had with each other. For the first time in my life, I could go to someone who would listen to my problems and from whom I could get hugs that I needed. She is very comforting and just a really great person overall. Yet, like I said earlier, the relationship as girlfriends just hadn't worked out.

So, here I am, trying to make sense of it all. Doing the normal breakup things, going over in my head every word I ever spoke to her, everything I ever did with her, sort of wondering what would happen if I had done them differently. Knowing, that in the long run, we've made the right decision, and knowing that I'll always question it regardless. I'm ending this column with a poem I wrote for her right after we broke up and if it weren't for this column, she probably wouldn't have seen it. So, to that special girl, thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a part of your life and I hope that we remain friends because you're a great person and I wouldn't want to lose you completely.

I lay in the bed we once shared
that brisk spring night
wide eyed, staring at the ceiling
how i got to this point...
thoughts flow
but now words come to mind
we couldn't make it if we tried
and it's useless
to keep this alive with lies we've told ourselves
But the left side of the bed is cold
and my heart is empty
and i know we did the right thing
and i know i won't see you again
and i know
that i don't know
why my tears flow so freely
over the justice
that has been served


Well, that's my contribution for this month.... Who knows, maybe I'll actually be able to get back into the swing of things now and start contributing regularly.... or, maybe not. Who knows? Feel free to comment, I always return emails.


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