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Sean

May 1999

My name is Sean. I am from Wallkill, NY. I am now 18.

So it's time again for the article. This will be my second article and as I hinted before this one is going to be about my first relationship I have ever had. It's going to be somewhat long, but I promise it to be entertaining.

First to update anything that happened since my last article. Rachel and I didn't talk about what happened between us much. I tried but I figure when she wants to talk about it she will. OK now to start my new article.

I came out when I was 15. I was in 10th grade and the first person I told was my best friend at the time Tim.

Tim and I had been friends since we were in ninth grade together. That was mainly because he and I had every class together. He was in my science class, my math class, my Spanish class, and my social studies class. We were always together, so naturally I trusted him.

When 10th grade rolled around I realized I was gay. I told Tim one night when he spent the night over my house. I went over his house the next weekend and he told me he liked guys too. We then had some...we'll call it fun. As somebody mentioned in the last issue, this is not the thing to do. I learned my lesson.

So anyway, I was getting off-topic. Tim and I started to date. He told me he loved me on the first time we were officially going out. I was very surprised and I told him I loved him too. I did love him, but I thought it was too soon to tell him that. We were very naive. We were both young and stupid, I must say, and he asked me to marry him. I said yes. I still don't know why I said yes, but I did.

The first big obstacle Tim and I came up against was me. I, loving my new relationship but still wanting to have someone to talk about it with, told people about us. Needless to say Tim was very upset. I don't blame him at all. I mean, it is hard to come out of the closet but the people I told already guessed that he was gay. That isn't an excuse though. Even though I did feel somewhat justified because everyone needs a person to confide in about their relationship. Tim told me "The only person you should need is me." That isn't true. You can't talk about your problems and concerns with the person you are with. You need someone else to be able to give you ideas about what to do if you have a problem. I thought Tim also had a good reason to tell me that, but later I really discovered why he wanted me to be quiet about our relationship.

During all this I started to become a recluse from my friends. I never went out with them because I spent every waking minute with Tim. I was also becoming very angry. Mainly because Tim and I started to fight ever time we saw each other. It was mainly about me telling people but soon that passed. He started to talk about it with people too. I just didn't know how much he told people until later.

Then one time we started to get really scared, and I was blamed for it of course, when someone found out about us who shouldn't know. His name was Paul. When I was in English class I was doing something and I guess Paul found my journal and he read it. I don't know how much he read but the first page described, in detail, Tim's body. I took it back from him and Paul asked, and I laugh now about it, "Can I read the rest of it?" I was so scared but I soon learned that I had nothing to be scared about. Yet, Tim still blamed me and constantly threw it in my face.

Then our second obstacle (the most painful of all) came into our path. His name was also Sean. Sean (who is straight) was Tim's best friend. One night Tim told me that he had to tell me something. I told him he could tell me. Tim then told me something I wish I never heard. He told me that he loved Sean as much as he loved me. Now, this is hurtful but it gets weird from here on. Tim told me that he and Sean, when Sean slept over, would watch porn together and jerk off in the same room. I was so disgusted by this. I mean I was so far beyond disgusted. It might seem weird what I am about to say but it is what I feel. If anyone in the world is going to jerk off in the same room as someone else, it better be their lover! I was so hurt by this and I begged Tim never to do it again. He told me he couldn't stop. I asked, logically, why he couldn't. This was his answer; "It would make him feel weird." Fuck my feelings, we have to watch out for how Sean feels! I was so disgusted! I told him how much it hurt me but he didn't listen, he just continued on jerking off with Sean in his room when ever they would come over.

I was still hurt by the Sean thing. Not just because they masturbate in the same room but because he loved him as much as he did me. I felt threatened by Sean's presence. The ironic thing is that Sean and I were friends in elementary school. Now I hated him! I talked about this with Rachel and I should have listened to her. She told me that I shouldn't go out with him anymore. I still did though. I guess I was terrified about being alone. I didn't know how to be without him. My life, at that point, was him.

All that summer, after 10th grade, we had spent every moment together. I loved him, and I thought he loved me. Sean was a constant threat though...and it would soon turn into something that would leave a great dent in my life.

In the beginning of our junior year, everything was OK. Tim wasn't in many of my classes then and I was happy. Spending all that time apart was nice. I did spend time with him during my lunch period, and I sat next to him during psychology.

I finally got something off my chest to him. I told him that I wanted him to stop jerking off with Sean in the room or I would leave him. He told me he would...but it came with a price. In order for him to stop masturbating with Sean, I had to stop talking to a friend that Tim hated. I was so hurt that. This friend and I had been friends ever since elementary school, and Tim hated him for no reason. I stupidly agreed. I didn't follow through though. I couldn't. My friend was too important and Tim threatened me to start spanking the monkey with Sean again if I didn't stop talking to him. I told him basically to fuck off. He told me he stopped doing that with Sean in the room. I was happy, for now.

One night Tim told me that he had to tell me something. I have come to dread that statement by now because it meant that something was wrong. He told me that he told Sean about me. Now anyone in the world knows that you don't like anyone you hate knowing anything about you. I was so hurt and I yelled at Tim for hours about it. I couldn't believe he did that to me. We had fight after fight about it. So then all of a sudden Tim changed his story. He told me he didn't tell Sean, but he thought Sean knew. I was very confused and then again he changed his story. This time he told me that he might have mentioned it to Sean, but Sean probably forgot. We started to fight over this all the time now. He told me then he never changed his story.

This crisis came to such an eventful climax. He and I were on the phone. He and I started to fight about it again. Finally I told him I was so confused that I didn't believe anything he said. He told me then "If you don't believe me ask Sean himself." I think he knew that I wouldn't call my worst enemy, but I called him on it. I said fine. I hung up and I called Sean. No one picked up the first time I called but I called again three minutes later. I got Sean and I asked "Did Tim tell you anything about me?" Sean said he didn't so I thanked him and I called Tim back. I was so apologetic to him. He told me that he couldn't believe that I didn't trust him and that I was paranoid. He told me this for months.

"I can't believe you don't trust me Sean", "You are so paranoid Sean." I felt so sorry I apologized every day! Then again one night he said that sentence that I dread to this day "I have to tell you something." I asked him what and this had been...2 months after I called Sean. He then told me that before I got to talk to Sean, he called him and told him to keep his mouth shut. So all the while, Tim had told Sean and I thought I was wrong and hurt him. He was lying to me! I broke up with him and didn't want to talk to him again.

During our break up we remained somewhat friends. At least during psychology because he was my partner for that class. He told me that there was this guy named Billy who wanted to date him. He told me that Billy kissed him when he was teaching him how to play piano. I was jealous and he saw that. I told him not to go out with Billy and he played on that. He told me he loved me still but thought he would get over me by going out with him. He also told me that he spelt with some old friend of his named Joey when he was visiting him. That hurt me too.

For some asinine reason I went back to him. I forgave him for Sean, even though he did tell me that he still loved him, and we moved on. Billy then began to be a big problem. He told me that Billy was still kissing him (and I was upset that Tim didn't stop him) and that Billy was trying to convince him I was evil. Tim told me he wasn't going to listen to him. Tim then asked me one time during psychology if he could go sleep over Billy's house and then go to a Broadway show with him. I said no of course. Tim said fine and told Billy that they were just friends.

For the last part of our relationship, I was treated horribly. Here I had reason to breakup with him and he constantly told me how he couldn't trust me because he feared I would leave him again. So he told me that he could never trust me fully again.

Joey then stepped back into the picture. I guess Joey was writing him from Maine telling Tim he loved him, and that I was evil. Joey constantly did this and it then progressed to phone calls. Tim and I talked about it once at night and he told me that Joey was telling him how evil I was. I asked, just to be funny, if he believed him. Tim was quiet and then told me and I quote "When you hear something over and over you start to believe it." I was devastated! I got out of bed and walked into the next room. I cried and he came over and said that he was sorry but it was drilled into his brain! I yelled at him and again pledged my undying love for him! He told me that I was loosing him! I told him I would do whatever I had to do to get him back.

I did do whatever I had to do. I sacrificed my friends for him. Every thought was him and only him. Still Billy, and Joey kept coming. I started to cry in psychology when he told me that Billy kissed him again, and Joey wrote him this letter saying he loved him.

I was so tired of trying to win back his love totally. I was so tired. I asked him to do one thing. It was a last resort in which it is totally wrong to do usually. I asked him to stop being friends with Billy and Joey. He told me he would. I am positive he told me he would. So I went on with my mind at ease. I felt better now that I knew that they wouldn't be a problem.

Of course I was wrong. Weeks later Tim was gone from school and I called him. He told me he had hurt his back and that he was having someone take care of him. It was...Joey. I was so mad but I kind of understood. He said that his parents couldn't take care of him because he was at work. So he ended up there. Tim told me Joey kissed him on numerous occasions and that Joey came into his room naked once. I was fed up and my eyes started to stray. I wanted something better. I was tired of trying to "win him back" and I was tired of all the mental abuse he had shoved up on me.

He came back to school and I told him that he broke his promise to me and he denied even promising to stop being friends with Joey and Billy. So I was even madder so I looked at him and told to tell me what he said about me losing him. He told me what he said and I told him and I quote "now you are losing me...try and get me back!" Then I walked away from him.

Our relationship ended soon after that. I began to want other people more and more. We did end on good terms. Everything seemed as though it was going fine. Then Tim's true self started to show through.

I never said Tim was a good guy. In fact I knew he wasn't. He had hurt people before and basically got off on it. I felt bad when he did things like that and tried to warn people but they didn't listen. One time he was hurting this one girl by pretending to be her friend and then dumping her so she would be really upset. He instructed me not to talk to her. She talked to me and I did talk back to her. But later Tim yelled me at for talking to her.

So anyway Tim started to tell me that this guy named Dave had kissed him. I was surprised because Dave was very popular, and he had lots of girls hanging all over him. Could it be possible he was BI? I told Tim to do what he wanted.

In the mean time I started to talk to this boy Erik. Tim always constantly told me what a scrub Erik was and that I should dump him. I didn't listen and I actually liked Erik. Tim told me constantly he loved me even though I asked him not to.

Then the day came all the serious mess started. Tim told me, that one night after a concert he had (band stuff), that he and Dave had sex in the auditorium while everyone was gone. I was heart broken. I didn't want Tim at all but it was that ex-boyfriend thing that happened. I mean a boy I loved more than my entire life had sex with someone else so soon after we broke up. I kept my mouth shut even though I cried every time I was alone. Finally one day when I was talking to a friend I broke down crying and told her. She didn't believe Tim, because she hated him, and decided to go ask Dave if they had sex. My friend came up to me the next morning telling me that Dave said I was lying and that it never happened and that Tim never told me that. I was hurt. So next period Dave came up to me and started to talk to me why I would say those things. The good thing was that I saved the notes Tim gave me about Dave kissing him. I showed Dave and he was very angry.

Thank God Tim was gone that week. I was so glad because I knew I was going to get into a lot of trouble for "hurting" Tim. Tim eventually called me up and yelled at me but I didn't want to listen to him, so I hung up. I then got an email on February 24. It was a letter from Tim. It read...and this is an exact copy:

david called me today! he hates me because I told people what happened between us!!! he didn't want anyone to know!! he is going to destroy my life!!!!

thanks to you my best friend who couldn't keep a secret you are an idiot Sean!!! do you think he would admit it to you!!!! you are a horrible person and I am going to destroy you!!! I have already started!! be ready for a surprise when you get back to school!!!!!!! it's the first of many to come!! and you deserve it!!! I hated doing to you but you broke my heart and my trust I am the fucking victim here you piece of shit. you told everyone a secret I told you in confidence!! you are the worse person I have ever met!!! you will pay for what you did to me!!! ruin my life!!!

I have only slept with one person.........you fucked a guy who was 5 years older than you that you only knew for a week if that doesn't make you a whore what does!! you are a piece of garbage!!!!!

I have a right to love you you asshole!!! and if I want to tell you I love you I fucking will!!! Just because you can't take it because you feel guilty for what you did to me!!! You are the worst person I have ever met!!! you will pay for killing me!

oh yes I plan on killing myself but first I am going to kill you!!!! And I will enjoy it!!! I will drive you to suicide or kill you myself!!! Whatever it takes to kill you!!!

why couldn't' you just let me love you?? I would do anything to make you happy and you will do anything to hurt me!!!! what kind of person are you??

how can you hurt someone who loves you????? You are a bastard!!!! do you here me???? all I ever wanted to do is love you!!!!!!!

I will see you dead!!!

Needless to say I was scared! I took the letter to my guidance counselor and she told me that I should call the police. She also said she would call his parents. I went home.... still scared. He called me and was not angry at all. I told him...seriously how much I hated him...and he took it as a joke. I used that to my advantage and asked what surprise he had for me when I came back to school. He told me he stopped the surprise but I got him to tell me. He told me "I was going to tell the three straightest guys in our school that you were telling everyone that you went down every afternoon in the weight-room and sucked their cocks. Then they were going to beat you up." I was horrified and scared and I got off the phone from him and I was scared. He then called back a little while later yelling at me for telling my guidance counselor about the letter. I told him I was scared of him and I hated him. He told me that he handled the GC by telling his parents that I was crazy.

Soon after this it all got worse. You might be thinking, "How can this get worse?" Well it did. Tim was starting to email me (even though he said, "my email is broken so everyone in my address book is getting this email) and saying mean things about me. Everyone at school who were my friends started to hate me and I knew it was because of him. I was going out of my mind...literally.

The emails to this person he called Justin kept coming and it didn't take a brain surgeon what he was doing. One night I went to a play at our school and he sat in the row in back of me making fun of me. I just ignored it but when I was leaving he was standing with his friends and as I walked by he said to me "Bye Bye Honey." I stopped and I was contemplating turning around and yelling at him but I didn't.

I was needless to say not a happy camper. He actually had spies watching my every move. It was something right out of Days of Our Lives or Guiding light.

I finally got to my lowest point one night. I wrote my friend Sarah a very large email and I didn't get any response for a week. In fact I didn't get a single email in a week.... not even a forward. I was talking to one of my friends on ICQ and she came on and asked "What did you mean by that email?" I asked her what she was talking about and she told me she sent me an email that day telling me when she was going to be on. She told me that the message back to her read "NO!!!!!" I was dumfounded and told her to look at the message...she took a couple minutes and came back and asked (I will always remember this) "Do you know a Tim _________?" I said "My god that is my stalker!" The little bastard found a way to steal my email! I had to change my password and everything.

I was now at my lowest point. I went upstairs crying, and shivering. My mother came out into the hall and she asked me what was wrong and I told her. She woke my Dad up and they told me that they were tired of Tim. So my mother wrote him a letter threatening legal action (lawsuit) and it wouldn't take a genius to see that he was crazy and that he was doing all these things to me. And the last line read.... and I loved it "I am sure that there are things in your CLOSET that you don't want to be known." I thought it was all over until the next day in which we got a letter back and he told my parents that I was stalking him and that I was crazy. I didn't cry.... I just laughed. I couldn't help but laugh. It was the funniest thing I have ever read. I was still scared of him but I didn't hide from him anymore.

All through that year he did come by my classes everyday. I was scared and depressed but not to the extreme that I had been before. I was standing up for myself now. Tim and his spy once stood outside my class and were making fun of me and when I looked Tim ducked behind the wall and his spy waved to me. I told the spy the next day (he was my chemistry partner after all) that if he didn't stop what he was doing that I would not only be pressing charges on Tim...but him also. He backed off and told me he was sorry. At our prom he stared at me and came and danced right by me. I just laughed while my other friend told him to get the hell away from me. Tim slowly left me alone and that is where you would think this long article ends but it only just begun. Tim was bored when he didn't get a reaction out of me so he moved on to more people. Yes, it is proven Tim is crazy now. He has hurt more people than any other person I know. Not to make this story any longer but here is a synopsis of his crimes (I consider them crimes) against others:

1) Almost getting a 43-year-old arrested because he told everyone that the older man asked him and his other friend to have a threesome. The sad thing about this was that the 43 year old was one of Tim's best friend's boyfriend (don't ask...she was 18) and even sicker Tim agreed to help this girl find out who told people this lie about her boyfriend.

2) Ruined a great friendship between Sean (yes the one he loved) and his other friend Jessie because Jessie liked Sean. Tim told Sean that Jessie was talking about him and their friendship was over.

3) Spread rumors that his guy that we both knew was trying to get 2 girls into bed at the same time.... and this guy isn't like that.

It was all over for me. I was happy again...even though I had trust issues. One day one of his friends named Jessie called me and told me that she was so sorry she never believed me about him. He had hurt her by making everyone hate her too. She was crying hysterically and I told her that everything would be all right.

So this is now a new year. Everything couldn't be better. I don't have him in any of my classes and I can pass him in the hall and ignore him. I still wish his terrible demise but I won't cause it. I was afraid of Tim but it is funny now. I hear from all "his friends" that I am not to be mentioned around him. If I am he gets up and walks away. I wrote a poem to him entitled "TO MY STALKER" and some people tried to read it to him but he got up and walked out of the room. I have to say that I am very happy he is afraid of me. I am glad he is.

I would never accept an apology from him for two reasons:

1) He can't apologize for what he has done

2) It wouldn't be sincere since he hurts those that are stupid enough to accept it.

Plus he wouldn't because I would spit in his face.

OK now that the story is done.... I might have forgotten and incident or two...you might be wondering why I tell this. Tim appeared to be nice. He bought me things all the time and he protected me from others. But appearances can be deceiving. He is and always will be a monster. I only write this 100% true article (yet there are those who may believe it is not true) that some may call "the ravings of a scorned lover" because I hope there is someone who is reading this and may be in the same situation. and I advise you....."GET OUT NOW!" I am fine but I still have a lot of issues of trust and I do occasionally cry about it and it feels really badly to feel that. I loved Tim and he stepped on me again and again and kicked me while I was down. I beg you get out now before it gets any worse!

That's it. The end. You are free to write me at serenity-sama@hotbot.com or sleeve@frontiernet.net (Where I am most likely to answer faster). I will answer anyone who writes......it might just take a while.

Thank you for listening to my true story,

Sean


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