May 1999

Well Happy Spring or something my fellow Oasis zealots. I am proud to report that I, Shelley the master conqueror, wooed an unsuspecting wonderful young woman into my life. I dragged her kicking and screaming by the hair of course in the beginning like a cave man... being butch certainly has its entertaining advantages...grin. But she loves me nonetheless and I feel fortunate to be in her company. Anyhow, for the past two relationships I have been in... the ladies went back to their boyfriends and declared themselves the queens of heterosexuality. To tell you the truth, my ego had been smashed and my heart right along with it. As stupid and vain as this sounds...I actually felt like those women turned straight after being with me! Now it looks as if the tides have finally turned and I perpetuated someone into homosexuality for a change...

I promise I wont get sappy on you fine people and tell you how I can still smell her hair on my pillow or feel her phalanges intertwined with my own. Gee that sentence sounds slightly kinky...phalanges means fingers I swear! Grin. But I will tell you this my friends: I am not exactly sure if I am in love with being in love with her...or just in love for love's sake. Does that make any sense? What if I love her as an individual...but yet I really only love her for love's sake...does that make me a bad person or my feelings for her aren't as sincere and truthful? Oh but they are...but not in the way most people think. I know quite a few individuals that are constantly in relationships...one right after another. They don't necessarily enjoy being with that person, but it beats being alone. Conversely they never take the time to seriously invest themselves into any one person because they are always packing their bags so to speak...they are like relationship nomads. I do believe I envy individuals like that. I am seriously not a one night stand kind of gal. I either invest myself fully into someone or not at all. There is no gray area within me to speak of. And I have certainly invested a lot of myself within her...so much so that it scares me.

I want to trust her with my heart...but yet there is still that scared little lesbian inside of me that got beat up by the big bad wolf-like women of my past that blew my house down and ate my pigs. Crazy ass analogy what? Speaking of little red riding hood, my gal bought me some red wonder woman underwear for my birthday. On the surface it is quite humorous because I always declare myself wonder woman and swoop down and try to save her from her problems or herself for that matter. It seems fitting I guess. However, I would hate to think that part of my appeal with her is that I yearn to rescue her. We all as individuals go into relationships with so many ideals and ulterior motives that if we stopped to think about it...loving someone else is one of the most selfish things in the whole damn world. If you wrote down a list of things you enjoyed about your mate...I bet 95% of them can be traced to self-seeking behavior. I took an expensive super technological high efficiency gallop type poll with my family (I called and wrote down what they said on a pad of paper) and these are my results.

I love her because she is always there for me.

*** Always there for ME ... so basically you are in need of another person to lean on. Selfish.

I love her because she is loyal to me.

*** Loyalty is something needed innate within ourselves to feel trust for another individual. Selfish.

I love her because she is polite.

*** Someone being polite to you gives you a feeling of confidence, pride, and importance and not just an average Joe off the hooker corner. Selfish.

I love her because she supports me in all that I do.

*** Support, yep. Financial or emotional in nature, you are in need of whatever that individual has to give. Selfish.

I love her because she is cute.

*** We need someone we find attractive by our sides because it instills pride within us and no matter how the hell you look... if you have a beautiful woman on your arm...your attractiveness and personality jumps ten fold. Not only because the woman is "cute" but because that little light within you shines even brighter when you are arrogantly standing next to her and perhaps unbeknownst to you consciously, you are claiming her as your own personal possession. It's instinctive I do believe... it all goes back to the cave man I tell you!

I love her because she is fun to be with.

*** Who is having fun? That's right... you. Selfish.

Basically my point is this. Loving for love's sake is not such a terrible thing after all... because all love really is...is a need within us all that can only be met through the interactions with another individual. We need that person to be there for us, we need that respect, we need that affection, we want that fun...it is all based around what we feel we need to complete within ourselves...to make us whole. Love is selfish and so am I...so sue me.



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