June 1999

Do But Don't

Well, once again it seems to be happening: the bomb sight of my queer imagination is hitting on target. I have been inundated by comments from you all and once more you really seem to care and even more importantly, understand. The fact that they have mostly been for my April column rather than the rather poor May one doesn't matter. For me April's column is one of my most prolific to date, in terms of both response and personal significance. If you haven't read it you should if the critics are to be trusted. Also, to all those who did reply I am still single, but thanks all the same.

While I am using a direct narrative I should make a humble apology to everyone who read May's column. I am sorry even though no one has complained. Let me explain: as you will know I preached on and on about our societies obsession with analysing our feelings and thoughts and, to put it simply, I slagged/dissed (it depends which side of the Atlantic you are on) analytical thought to the grave I had previously dug for it. Now before I go any further, I still do stand by my feeling that seeing councillor because you have had a bad hair day is stupid. However, my views on analytical thought have changed and why I hear you ask? Hypocrisy is the answer:

What did I find myself doing last week? Can you guess? It involved A (I never use his name but he is my lustfully unobtainable object of desire / possibly illegal obsession), are you any closer? No? well, I was analysing my feelings for him. OH MY GOD. Could it be true? Yes it most certainly was, I was analysing: the exact thing I had got up on my high and mighty 'I am the fag that knows all' pedestal and condemned to hell. Whoops.

Whoops indeed. When I thought about it I had been at it all week without realising it, it was only when one of my friends mentioned this column to me that I realised what I had been doing. I stopped in my tracks and set out on the path to my PC to repent.

You see I was attempting to figure out why the hell I can't stop myself from feeling an intense attraction when ever I see him about school or town. You see I want to stop my self feeling this way so that I can act like a normal human being around him instead of shutting my mouth in the fear I'll say something stupid and avoiding walking in case I fall over. Also (lets think highly imaginatively here) if the chance of another relationship were to arise I (if I liked the guy too) could act on it rather than waiting to see if I can make something happen with A. Which is really stupid because he is probably straight like all the horribly sexy guys are.

Anyway, to get to the root of this stupidity I had to analyse the feelings I had for him. After careful thought I deduced that it could never be love because I think (or would like to think so) you really need to know someone to fall in love with them and I hardly know the guy. AND before any romantics scream 'love at first sight', that has to be mutual. And, if my memory serves me correctly, he has never approached me with a loving look in his big, lovely eyes and said 'you know, Finn, I have been having these feelings for you so come and make sweet love to me'. So I don't love him, what do I feel for him, friendship? No, you don't dream about kissing your friends in 'that' way. Lust? Probably not because I don't want to just sleep with him, I want to BE with him. Uneducated Love? Yes, I sort of have all the feelings of wanting to be with this guy forever and all the other lovely feelings but I don't know him well enough for it to be love and I have never been out with him so it has to be uneducated love.

In fact I hope he is a really horrible person so I can educate myself and just get on with life and stop all this stupid behaviour. What ever kind of person A really is I don't think there is any point in feeling this way because I will never get to be with him so I should just get over it. However, the whole point of these last few paragraphs is I can't help feeling this way. Uneducated Love, what a horrible thing.

OK, analytical over and I am sorry for being such a hypocrite. What I would like to say is HELP ME in any way you can to elevate my stupidly self inflicted, apparently incurable situation. I'm sure to a mind independent of my own all this is totally absurd.

Anyway, much love to you all and save you self the trouble of not having a relationship by not having one at all.



PS From the 5th of this month I am away until early August at the Scottish Youth Theatre so any replies to this will get a response but a very belated one. However please do write.

PPS I have repented now, am I forgiven?


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