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Sean

June 1999

Hello all. It's Sean again. I am getting overwhelming responses to my articles and I thank all those who have written me.

Now an update from the last article. With my stalking experience with Tim still a major issue in my life I have had some sense of closure. I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings toward him. These are the last two paragraphs of the two page letter I wrote to him:

That's about it I think. Tim you are some piece of work you know that!!! You make everyone afraid of you because you know they will either fear you or forgive you. I'm not in those two categories. You don't know how bad I could have hurt you. I have every damn love letter that you have ever written to me. Do not take that as a sign that I am holding on to our past.....it was insurance in case you messed with me again. You know how much strength it took for me not to go up to Sean and show them to him!!! I was first thinking about photocopying them and pasting them up all over school but I knew that wouldn't bother you as much as to telling Sean the truth. I knew if I did though that it would kill you and you would kill yourself. I didn't do it as you see. I do not fear you and I never will again...you are the one who should fear me!!! Of course I am nothing like you Tim...I am not a loser who has way too much time on his hands (among other things in them) to actually plot everyone else's destruction! That can only be left up to you.

On to the sad conclusion that I came to and it is the one that still bothers me. Tim...after thinking about all this and what our relationship was like I have determined that you never ever loved me. Do you know how much that hurts?! I loved you so much. I defended you to others, put up with your bullshit, and made love to you! I was nothing to you...just a pawn. Someone to have until you achieved your ultimate goal....Sean. I don't know who the hell I was fooling thinking I could live up to Sean. You love him and only him and that hurts me most of all. You let me think you loved me when I was really nothing to you. Right now thinking of it makes me teary eyed you probably are sitting there smiling because you hurt me. Go on and smile! I don't care anymore!! I have admitted my wrongs to you...I have felt sorry for the things I have done to you! They were not even in comparison with what you did to me! Tim...my mother used to say when I say I hated someone "Hate is a very strong word." I used to brush it off but now I know what hate is and when I think of the word, your name is put after it! I hate you Tim!!!! I wish you nothing more than what you deserve. A lonely existence!!! I pity you because you have a sorry excuse for a life! I hate you for the person you are...and I hope one day (which will happen one day I promise you) that you will get what you deserve when you fuck with the wrong person!!!! And when that happens I will be sitting by and laughing with the others because of what happens to you!!! I don't know if you read this but I really don't care. I am finally over the pain now....I don't care anymore.

Wishing you all you deserve,

Sean

I still have to mail him the letter. I am a little afraid of some sort of retaliation but then I think.....what else could he do to me?

OK I have thought and thought about what I could write about. I have talked about my pre-coming out relationship and the aftermath of that, and then the relationship with Tim. For this article I will talk about my relationship with Straight men.

Some say it is an impossible friendship to have. I think that there are truths in that statement but it depends on the person.

So first I will explain where straight men fall into my eyes. The first group are the guys who turn me on and who have no value in life only to stare at and think about nasty sexual stuff that I wish I could do to them. The other group are guys who are my friends and I only see them as friends. It is hard to explain that one because I see them in no sexual way at and don't even think of them as guys. They are who they are.

It is true that I don't trust straight men all that much. I trust my father and brother but that is a given. But I don't have any straight best guy friends except for 3 of them. I will discuss them:

Dan

Danny moved to Wallkill this year. When we first met him, he never talked and didn't seem to like anyone. Lots of people tried to get through to him but it was useless. He was in my physics class, and my Participation in Gov't class.

In physics we had to have lab groups. Since he was transferred to our class two weeks into school he had to be in a group of three girls. One of the girls in the group was nice. The other was a blond ditz (not to be stereotypical of course) who everyone calls a slut. I don't know if that is true but I just say "If it walks like a slut, and talks like a slut.....then it probably is a slut." Anyway, Danny was very uncomfortable......I think. Finally during one of the labs, his group called him over and he didn't look anxious to work with them again. So I told him that he could join our group if he wanted to. So he joined our group.

No, he didn't talk much in the group either. Just sort of smiled and made comments here and there. Still everyone tried.

Slowly Danny and I became friends. I trust him very much. Trust is an issue with me but he has been there for me. I have told him things that few know about me. He still doesn't talk much, but he is that way with everyone. I know he is there to talk to if I need someone......he has made that clear. To ease any tensions that he and I might have, I wrote him a letter telling him how much he meant to me. I was basically thanking him for being a friend (now I have the Golden Girls theme song in my head) and that I didn't like him any sexual way at all. I gave him that letter in a card for his birthday. He came up to me and thanked me for the birthday card and then thanked me for the letter. I knew that he and I were now friends.

Adam

Adam and I are really good friends. I think I met him in 10th grade and to be honest I was scared of him. Not scared as in crying and huddling in a hallway, but scared as in being nervous around me. He used to be this really scary kid who would show up at my locker out of no where and hug me and tell me he loves me. Our encounters would often result in me chasing him down a hallway hitting him with my notebook. It was a sight to be laughed at.

I can't exactly figure out when he and I became best friends. But he and I became best friends this year. I have helped him through rough times and he has helped me through my tough times. He is very comfortable with my sexuality and gives me my daily hug.

Grant

Out of all the straight guys I know, I have the most in common with Grant. I met him in my 8th grade year (his 7th grade year) and I thought he was a cool guy. He was into D&D and all that fantasy stuff. He was very very smart and I admired him. After my 8th grade year I was in the high school and never saw him. He came back into the school in my 10th grade year.

I knew I wasn't going to be afraid to come out to him. Later he came out of his (what I liked to call) "broom closet" as being Wiccan. I didn't care. After all, I kinda knew it anyway. He and I had a new bond. He knew my feelings of being lonely because he was the only Wiccan in school.....and was constantly ridiculed for it.

Grant and I are very close. When we are at parties he and I usually stick together and sit in the corner being reclusive. It is a true statement when I say that Grant and I are exactly the same except I'm gay and he's Wiccan (and straight). I have told him that in a more perfect world he and I would be together. I don't have a crush on him but we would be the idealist couple if we were together. I have told him things no one else knows about me. And vice versa.

What their friendship has done for me

Their friendship has done so much for me. They have taught me that not all straight men are evil beings. Also they have showed me that their are people who can be actually defined as true friends.

Thanks to their friendship I have started to write a book called "Dag and Ollie." A story about a friendship between a straight guy (Dag) and his gay male best friend Ollie. Dag is a very interesting character who takes things from Danny, Adam, and Grant. In fact that is where I got the character's name. DAG= Danny, Adam, Grant.

Well that's it. I am done now. This is my article. As always feel free to write me and make comments, questions, or just to make a new friend. My email address is sleeve@frontiernet.net or serenity-sama@hotbot.com (I will answer faster at the sleeve address though). Thank you again for reading my article.


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