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Shelley

June 1999

Hello my fellow Oasis addicts! This past month has certainly been interesting to say the least. I, Queen Queer, has joined the military! Yes, you read that properly... Before you begin chanting "Don't Ask! Don't Tell!" in my ear let me just say that I did not make this decision frivolously...and the thought of community showers did not, I repeat *did not* play a part in my decision process. <insert evil grin here> I was not in the military for five minutes before the subject of homosexuality arose. They read this form that basically indicated what you could and could not do as an individual in the military...and you could probably guess what was like number one on their list...can't you?! Yes my young friends, being gay.

Gayness was right up there with shooting people and doing crack... What the hell is up with that? I never imagined that the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy REALLY meant...Don't Ask Don't Tell but we will try and preach you to death about it in an attempt to make you feel guilty about being who you are. Be All You Can Be should be changed to Be As Straight As You Can Be. Now, I don't mind not flaunting my sexuality one iota...because I am inherently not fanatical about my card carrying lesbian membership status.

However, I do object to being treated as though I am a felon! I almost dropped my hand during the oath, stripped naked to reveal my rainbow pride underwear, busted out my crack rock and M-16 and shot everyone to hell just to prove them 'right' about gay people. Sheesh. The military is usually behind the times...but damn...touching another woman in a 'sexual manner as to obtain pleasure' is for all intents and purposes against the law for me now.

Well...all I can say is this -- I better ditch the "Xena Rules" pride bumper sticker and put my heterosexual facade back on if I am ever going to survive. I just hope that I don't lose the part of myself that matters most to me in the mean time. What matters most you may query? Well...the part of me that stopped loathing myself for being gay...it took way too damn long to ditch that attitude and I certainly don't want to digress in my emotional discovery process now...

Anyhow...suffice it to say, the love of my life is unhappy with my decision to join the service. Perhaps even angry at me for 'leaving'. But really...is that the case? She has said and done things lately that have made me doubt her love for me. By all means I know she loves me...but *why* she loves me is what I have been questioning. Of course I can rattle off the obvious, I am cute, charming, and intelligent <vain grin> but I mean when you get down to the nitty gritty of love, realizing its selfish tendencies, what is it that she loves? I feel as though she loves me for being gay. Would she still love me if I were straight? It just makes me wonder whether or not she loves me for me or for being gay.

I have beaten the topic Love for love's sake to death...however, perhaps loving me and loving me for being gay is one in the same. Perhaps not. I do not doubt her love for me...that is not in question...but what that love stems from is something we should all probably consider. Since there are, in essence, very few of us women of the lesbian persuasion...we certainly do not have a lot of people to chose from. I really couldn't look you honestly in the face and say that the women I have been with in the past were because I really truly loved them as individuals or because they were gay and available. Gay and available are rare... Just plain gay is probably sparse for most of us... I know I love her as an individual...but would I love her as much if not for her bisexuality?! Can the same be said for her or any of us for that matter? I hate to think that many of us are forced to settle for 'gay and available'...but in all actuality...what else is there?

Well, I bid you all good bye for the next four months while I attempt to get my life in order. Enjoy your summer and think of me when you are sipping a virgin daiquiri by the beach while I am drudging up a mountain with fifty pounds on my back trying my best not to look at the cute girl's butt in front of me...

Sincerely, Shelley
Xenarocs@hotmail.com


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