June 1999

Victoria 14, is a student in New York

"Ignorance Is Bliss?"

I haven't written in a while so I felt like catching up. Today I walked down the street to get the mail and as I was walking I just found this peace, this quiet peace that settled me and calmed my nerves. I just stood there under all the shade of the leaves, and it was amazing, almost as though I was in a rainforest. I closed my eyes and listened to all the different birds. I thought to myself, I would love to be a bird. This seems kind of childish yes? But it's funny having a greater hold on the ways of the world, after a year of growing, learning, discover pleasure, and loosing childhood.

I still wanted to be a bird. I just thought how wonderful it would be to know painless order, everyday, to wake up, and fly from one beautiful tree to the next, getting hot I'd look for shade, getting cool I'd fly up into the rain. Maybe that's what childhood is you know, this kind of painless order: you get up because you have to, you eat because you're supposed to, you go to school, but then you interact and you start to feel and that childhood starts to slip away little by little, step by step. I think the first emotion for me was falling for my first grade substitute teacher. I was in this state of total pleasure, I sat there and told all my friends about my "feelings", and being so naive, and so clueless in this painless state I was happy.

I never would have said to myself "you like this teacher do something about it", had I even done something, asked her for a hug or something like that the teacher would have found it a "harmless" kid-like crush that "all kids" go through. My friends didn't say anything, they didn't call me "gay". There were no words, just truth, and that truth was painless because there was no such thing as cruelty, or prejudice, you just excepted everything because you didn't understand that you were supposed to be normal.

Normal didn't exist.

I want to be a bird, I want my childhood back again. People say ignorance is bliss, but I think they is a difference between hatred resulting from being uninformed and an unawareness of normality or standards and codes that people assume they have to meet. I think that phrase is strongly misinterpreted. I think in some sense it is children who are the only decent souls on the earth, because they do not have something that millions of adults and teens a like can not get rid of, fear.

Well that's all for this week, thanks for listening if you have any questions or would like to contact me you can e-mail me at Cyrano89@aol.com.

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