June 1999

Why It Sucks To Fall in Love

Before you all start jumping on my case, hear me out. I'm not talking about ordinary kinds of love, although that sucks too. I'm talking about falling in love with someone that you can't have. I know we've all been through or will go through it, but does that mean that I'm not allowed to bitch when it happens to me?? I don't think so, so I will continue.

Being gay is hard enough. It's harder to find someone at all, and a lot of the time, when you do, they turn out to be horrible. That stereotype about homosexuals being horny all the time and promiscuous is true, I mean, why do things become stereotypes, because they have some validity to them. So, in gay relationships, you have to worry ten times as much about your 'significant other" cheating on you, because that's our way of life, isn't it? And all you heterosexuals think we would CHOOSE this lifestyle? Are you out of your fucking mind? It's not a choice, and let me break it down as to why this is so. Homosexuals are lonely, we're discriminated against, our relationships suck, and all kinds of other shit that I won't get into because that's not what this article is about. This article isn't about how bad it sucks to be gay, it's about how much it sucks to fall in love. So let me get off my rant about the woes of being queer, and get back to the topic at hand.

I don't know what my problem is, I seem to be hitting all the no-no's of homosexual relationships. First, I fell in love with someone who was so completely unattainable that I don't know why I even bothered trying to get something going with him. Not only is he not gay, but he's gorgeous, so I fucked up on two counts. I'm not trying that whole reverse psychology thing of being humble about my appearance so people will tell me how cute I am, I'm simply being honest. In no way am I ugly, but when you're not gorgeous, and you try to go after somebody that is, you're asking for trouble. I'm almost glad that he's not gay, because the let down would have been a lot worse if he was and then met me and said, "Well, I'm gay, but not with you." So, I set myself up for heartache there, and it was my fault. But, once again, that doesn't mean I can't bitch!

Then, after I royally screwed myself on that front, I went and fell in love with one of my good friends. (Impending Death Music Stab here, maestro) My problem in this relationship was that it wasn't a physical attraction. I didn't want to have sex with this boy, it was actual love for another person. I'd never met anybody like him, and am sad to say that I don't think I ever will. So what's the problem, you ask? How in the hell am I supposed to convince a straight guy that I'm in love with him, but I don't want sex? If you figure it out then please let me know, because I am stumped. I'm sure I could tell him, "I'm in love with you, but it's not like that. I don't want to fuck you, but if I ever had a choice of someone to be in a relationship with, then it would be you."

There are a few problems with this approach. First of all, my balls are pretty big, but not big enough to get those words out; at least not well enough to be coherent. I would stumble over the "I'm in love with you" part like a boy in a bad teen romance movie from the '80s. It would be disastrous. Secondly, how do I express that thought without seeming like a total corn-ball, mushy-ass fag? It's pretty much an impossibility.

Think about it: to a straight guy, whatever I said would be translated into something else. When they start to hear mushy stuff, their minds translate it into what they think you mean. So, something as innocent, but incredibly gay as "If I could choose someone to be in a relationship with, I would choose you," would be perceived as "Hello, I am the biggest queer in the world, and I would like to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible when you're around me. I want you to spread rumors about my gay ass and make fun of me behind my back. Oh, and by the way, anytime a fag says that the love isn't about sex, they really mean they want to fuck you up the ass." So, strike two, that approach is still out. It's not that I don't think that I couldn't approach him, I'm just saying that either a.) I would sound like a moron, or b.) he would perceive what I said as something totally different.

But what can I do? A number of things actually. I could hop on that groovy little bandwagon called teenage suicide, but not only is that stupid, it's been done before, and better. I could sit around and mope about how much life sucks because I can't seem to find anyone in the world that I could start a relationship with, but that's a waste of time; and, if handled the wrong way, is worse than suicide. So, as I wade through this sea of bullshit cop-out ways to deal with a shitty love life, have I found anything positive that seems a viable solution to my troubles? The answer? NO. Do I think I ever will? I HOPE SO.

I used to look at people who were love sick and in pain because they couldn't find anyone or they'd been dumped, and just scoff. 'It's just a fucking guy (girl)' I would say 'Get over it.' Then, when it happened to me, I start pining away like a lovelorn little school girl, which pisses me off more than not being able to find someone. But then I think, this happens to everyone. It's part of growing up, isn't it? Yes, that is definitely true. However, most people eventually find someone; and maybe it's because I'm stuck in this love-rut, but I'm not sure that I ever will. And, as long as I keep falling in love with people I cannot have, I'll continue to feel this way. I should just give it all up, and increase the number of times that I masturbate. But, at this point, without any love, I'm afraid that increasing it anymore would rub "Little Willy" raw. Oh, well....I guess I'll just have to deal with the scabs.

And that's why falling in love sucks.


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