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Joshua S.

July 1999

A Road To Something Better

It has been almost 6 years since I realized I was bisexual, and I feel that I have finally accepted who I am. I have changed a lot over the past year, and I feel so much better about myself and life in general. I still feel alone sometimes and have moments where I don't want to go on, but I do feel that I'm getting better with each day. I always thought the saying "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else" was so idiotic, but now I realize it is true. I wouldn't exactly say I love myself, but I am starting to like myself, and not in that ego stricken jock kind of mentality. Being Catholic still creates a lot of conflicts with my life, but I'm not going to allow it to bother me. I have given up on my constant overanalyzing of things, and I don't want to dwell on every little thing that upsets me. It's not worth it.

I am leaving Pennsylvania for college in Iowa, and it is somewhat sad to say good-bye to your friends and family, but I am very excited on getting out of here. I never thought I would make it this far...hell I never thought I would make it past 7th grade, but here I am and it is so freeing. Things can get better, and I totally thought that was bullshit for the longest time. I had to make changes in my life. I couldn't keep blaming everyone and myself for everything that went wrong.

I don't know exactly what I did to wake up from my depression, but whatever it was it took a long time. It was obviously worth it though. I am finally becoming the person I have forever wanted to be, and I know now being bisexual is only a small part of who I am. I still have friends that have a major problem with my sexuality, but they don't let it bother them. They love me for who I am, and my sexuality definitely isn't going to change that. Sometimes we even have big ol' arguments about sexuality, but we know not to get offended or angry.

Even though I prefer men over women, I still want children. For the longest time I thought that liking guys more meant that I couldn't have children, but I know now that isn't true. My sexuality is no longer a disease or a disability to me. If I want certain things in my life, then I'm going to try my hardest to get them. There are still times I feel that I will never know love, but it isn't important. Don't get me wrong I want to have someone to love, but if it happens that's great. I'm not going to dwell over the fact...I'm just going to live and let love find me.

I always thought that I could only find happiness through someone else, or religion, or some kind of yoga/spirituality routine, but now I know how I feel about myself is the only important thing. I believe in God, but I don't believe in everything religions say God stands for, and that's alright. Everyone has their own opinion, and I'm allowed to have mine as well. I don't think any interpretations can be totally wrong. So as of now I continue to improve myself with everyday. It's the summer, and I'm going to enjoy myself for once. Maybe next month I'll talk about all of the insanity that happened before I started to get on track, but for once I just wanted to talk about the positive things.

Thank you for reading.

Joshua S.
running_on_empty@hotmail.com


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