By Mr. Postman
Never in my life have I experience the terror of coming out to someone. But I've done it now, for the first time. And instead of coming out to someone who I knew couldn't use the information against me, I came out to someone who could hurt me the worst. My best-friend who I am hopelessly in love with. Now that was terrifying!
To give you a little background about B.T. and I, we both come from very religious backgrounds. Right when I came out to him, in shocked horror, he could have started to attempt to cast demons out of me. In spite of our religious backgrounds there were many clues to make me believe he was possibly gay as well. We cuddled during movies and as we slept next to each other at night. He would constantly tell me that he loved me and would quite often grab my butt or attempt to kiss me. It left me to wonder whether this was a straight boy with a perverted sense of humor or a gay boy who longed to express his real feelings as much as I longed to.
Now, I've finally done it. I told him everything. He expressed that he isn't gay or bi. He was accepting. I really see now that he's a great friend.
But I'm still confused. On one hand, B.T. acts like it's a sin and he wants to help me through it. I wonder if it is. I want to be free from sin. But on the other hand, he still flirts and will put his arm around me in a way he knows will spark more feelings. I'm torn. Do I want to leave this lifestyle behind and follow God, or do I want to give into my desires and experience a deep love with another man?
What does B.T. want? Is he too ashamed to reveal his true feelings and he hopes I will help him come to acceptance, or is he being truthful about his straightness and he wants to help me get "free."
I've been so depressed. I can't keep up just a friendship without going crazy in love. So do I end our friendship and get over him to save my sanity. Maybe I can keep our friendship and get over him. But that would be so hard to spend time with him and not remember how I feel. Or do I maintain our friendship hoping that someday he will reveal how he really feels... *that's wishful thinking* Like I said, I'm torn.
Below is a letter I wrote to myself two days after coming out to him to help myself cope:
"So you told him. Tuesday, June 1, 1999, you told him everything. Sitting on the front bench outside his house you told him about the thoughts, feelings, and attractions. He was kind, compassionate, and caring. He put his arm around you as you started to cry, he smiled as you laughed at the irony of it all, and pinky-promised as you pleaded him not to tell anyone. What a huge piece of yourself you've let go of. Think of the trust that it took. I'm proud of you. This is helping you realize how little you've either fought or accepted. You can't play both sides of the fence.
"It was humorous when B.T. said, "If it helps any, I once wanted to be a girl." But he doesn't share your feelings. He proclaims his straightness.
"I don't know what to do next. There are still a lot of little touches... little flirts. He didn't sleep next to me that night. I don't know if it was because he was uncomfortable or because he was trying to be considerate of me. How does he feel? What did he mean when he asked with that sly grin the next day, 'Am I looking attractive this morning?' Why would he jokingly say during breakfast, 'Will you go out with me? I'll have to cheat on my woman.' Is he being a jerk or is he joking to try and hint at true feelings? He let me close at times. At other times he offered spiritual help ('Face this. I'll go to your Pastor with you if you want.'). And sometimes he seemed uncomfortable and distant.
"So what from here? Are you going to choose to seek God or acceptance? Both seem pretty attractive right now, huh? Have you lost a friendship? Do you need to let go? Or have you gained a partner who will see you out of this? Is he really going to be there for you? Or is there still a chance for love to happen? Probably not... even though there's flirty joking -- it takes two for love to really happen. And you don't know if it's there. The pain tells you to let go... so please let go. I don't know if I can stand a broken heart much longer."
MrPostman is the 18 year old Nick. He lives in Michigan and loves theater and music. Go ahead drop him a line. Stop by for a "pop." Pobox469@hotmail.com