July 1999

So how do you tell your friends that you are gay? It's the question I keep asking myself over and over lately, with so much going on my life, I don't think I can't keep it a secret much longer, I need to be able to be myself with people other than the friends I have made on the net.

It's no longer something that I want to do to be honest with my loved ones, or to find out if that cute friend of mine who keeps staring at me is also gay. It is now something, which I either do or I face insanity.

Lately, I just can't seem to keep it a secret any more, the other night while watching a movie with my friend, had my mind not been faster than my mouth, I would have had a lot of explaining to do after commenting to her how sexy Ryan Phillippe looked.

And that's not all, during a boy's night out in town, my best friend and some other guys decided it would be fun to play gay for one night. They grabbed each other's nipples and dicks and hugged each other, some even kissing. What torture! What am I supposed to do? Do I play along? And then if one day I decide to tell them truth they will look back at that night and want to kill themselves, Do I just ignore it and maybe miss the only chance I have of getting dirty with that cute guy with the big blue eyes?

I can't keep going on like this! I am 19 years old and never had a boyfriend; it has been over 2 years since my last real life relationship! And if I have to go to another party where there's couples sitting on each other's laps or holding hands talking about how they should all go out to dinner one night then I am going to scream!

Why does it have to be this hard? Is the question that I keep asking myself. I sometimes like to fantasize and pretend that we live in the future, in a society that has come to accept gays as normal people and where kids in school no longer use the words "faggots" or "homos" as insults for each other.

But I have to face reality and realize that things aren't going to change any time soon.

I have been so close to telling them, I mean technically I have done it. Many times I have come out after a couple of beers and said it: Guys, I am Gay! Or when my best friend asks me, When are you going to get a girlfriend? My reply is, I am Gay! But it all ends up in laughter and everyone thinks I am just joking when I am really telling the truth and inside I am dying.

It's now affecting all my life, everything I do, and it's like I am always having to be careful not to say or do something that will incriminate me. Like I am some kind of criminal that did something terrible and is now hiding from society.

But things wouldn't be so hard if I could find someone. Someone who was going through the same as me, someone who loved me for who I am, someone who I could be comfortable with and who could hold me in his arms and listen to my problems and with one kiss, one hug or one smile from his face make all my troubles disappear even for just a couple of minutes.

But that's another story and for now it seems like I face lonely future. Is my time running out? I hear people in chat rooms or the people, who write in this very magazine who are younger than I am, talk about their relationships and I think to myself when am I going to be like that? I don't want to have to wait until I am old enough to be living on my own or to have enough money to move to a town where no one knows me. But how will I ever find someone when nobody knows I am looking?

Like it isn't already hard to find someone when you are straight? I had to be difficult and be gay? I try to laugh about it and take it as a joke, but the truth is I don't know how much longer I can go on like this before I go crazy.


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