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Miguel Solana

July 1999

It's been more than a year since I wrote my last column for Oasis, and in many ways I've missed that, but also I have been very busy, and maybe not in the mood to really write something interesting for you. Of course that's not an excuse, because there's always time for everything and something to say; I was waiting for time to pass and change a little bit, and now that has happened.

I have had an incredible time these past months, sweet and hard things have gone on, life is always about that, ups and downs all the way, but this year of growth has in many aspects changed who I am. I'm still the same, but what my perception of the world, my feelings and my thoughts are different now. I know that growth is a theme I use a lot when I write my columns, but after a year, the growth is what I must address.

I developed and explored my ideas about love, I reaffirmed them, and there were times when I really had to deepen my understand of who I am. I thought I was amorphous sometimes, because of some hard situations I lived emotionally, but I moved beyond that, and realized that there's always light, that from difficult moments and situations life brings us, we can have something good at the end.

So after all this, I think I'll try to focus on change, on the change I'll live in the future, and on what I've gone through over this time. I'm glad we are able to live this, because time is about changing, sometimes it's drastic, sometimes it's smooth and slow, and this time I'll live some really drastic changes. I'll leave home, I'll start college, I'll move to the biggest city in the world, and I'll have to start to live by myself in many aspects, so in less than four weeks my life will be changing completely.

One of those things that has truly changed my life was the best week I have ever lived, when I could live love in a broader sense I had ever known. I always had considered love in a completely idealistic way, but when it comes to reality, and it takes part of your life, things change a lot and are even better than the romanticized idea. Before (let's call him hypothetically) Jeremy visited, I tried to stay grounded about my feelings, as even before I had seen him in real life, I was having all these emotional feelings about him, but everything came into perspective when I saw him for the first time in the airport - wow, this starts to sound like those great stories I've read on the net, and it surely is one, the greatest one for me - from that moment on, I had to discover many things about me and then about him, first trying to understand a very different culture from mine (even if I grew very close to American culture and I'm very attached to it, we still have many cultural differences), then discovering my feelings in a clearer way by living twenty-four hours a day together, with tons of different experiences, and all the things that we lived together during that week. It all changed many things in my life; I didn't want to have expectations in the beginning, and surely it was better that way, because all the results were so positive and nothing had to be accomplished, but when I look back now, everything during that week was perfect, and caused so many things, feelings, attitudes and views to change. Even though the week after Jeremy departed I really was down, my hopes are high again, because by the time you read this, I'll be visiting him and staying with him for a whole month, this time to learn new things about us together, and to enjoy him even more, and of course I know that our feelings will grow even more.

Living this challenging relationship is helping me mature in many aspects. It started in a way I never thought things for me could work, and it happened when I really wasn't considering something like that, and now I'm glad I took the risk and I'm living it with so much intensity. It surely was a sudden change in what I was expecting to live about love, and I can celebrate that, because love is about living it with passion and how it gets into our lives doesn't matter. At times it seems to be very difficult to live this, but when I see how things are working, there's nothing to complain about, and only the spirit to keep going.

So these are some of the things that have been changing my life in many ways, I'm glad I'm going through this and learning a lot from every single thing fate has put in my life. Everything is leaving great results, and now I can't say where it's taking me, but for sure it's somewhere better.

Any comments you may have send them to jmsolana@geocities.com, and I also hope that my webpage is also working completely by the time you read this, check it out at http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/7570


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