August 1999

My first night being someone else. Or being who I am. Or being open minded as some might say. Well I did it. I kissed her, she kissed me, it really happened. And this was my journal entry the night afterwards:

'(7-1-99) This is BIG. At first it wasn't big at all. Then when I thought about it and said it (out loud for the first time), it became huge. Larger than life. But then a day of rationalizing and joking made it humorous. Now, not even twenty four hours later, I am back at square one. This is big. It's surreal. It's not me. It's my fantasies, it's in my wierdest wildest dreams. I should've written down my entire 2 hour conversation (with my best friend Thomas right after it happened). I don't ever really remember what happened. I participated in this? Me? I brought this on. She screwed me up. I screwed the next one up. I am so scared. But I guess in the big picture, stuff like this happens all the time. But in my world, the place that I'm comfortable in, this is not acceptable. (Acceptable isn't even the word) (earth shattering, not heard of, not expected, or accepted) Thomas said it's normal. So this is what normal feels like? Shit? This is big. Am I the same? I feel the same. but the knowing in her touch is unbearable. This would shatter my world, my life as viewed by myself and everyone else. This won't be discussed. I can't talk about it with her. I can't think about it in my head, I'll go crazy. Thomas is the only one who can ever understand. It's easiest for me to get rid of her. Push her out of my life. That's so selfish. I can't deal. How does she feel? She doesn't have a Thomas. I am all she's got. Shoot, what if she can't deal and she tells someone I know? ~I'll just deal. This is what I wanted....right?'

It was a joking thought
an out of nowhere comment
a gay best friend
and a big, wide open mind
years of curiosity
fear of being alone and unloved
It was what we felt that "should" be done
It will never be discussed.............."

Thanks for your time.....


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