August 1999

Coming Out:

Actually this is my first time admitting that I am a Bisexual.. Yes, I like guys. But yet I like the women too! You see nobody knows this except myself and I guess you because you are reading this. If anyone found out about this thing.. My life would be ruined. My family hates gays and African-Americans. I am not this way at all although I have to agree/go along with whatever my parents say about them. If my parents found out about my sexuality.. I would be disowned. I cannot afford for this to happen at this moment. I heard my dad say if any of his family was "homo" he'd kill them. So that worries me a bit. So basically you could say I am a closet case. But I have one problem...

The Girlfriend:

Yes! Having a Woman Is the Life for me! Actually no. But at the present time, I have been dating a girl for 1 1/2 years. During this whole time, I have know my sexuality. She thinks we will get married. At least that's what her plans are. And you know what? I am promised to her. I did it on the one year anniversary. I can hardly believe it myself. I have no intention of marring her at all. I know how bad this is but it makes my family happy. They are so glad to see me in a relationship with a girl and for so long. I cannot stand the relationship any longer but it is a good cover for myself. Now I know what you are thinking. This guy is an asshole.. And yes I think that about myself too.. But in a way I really love her too..

Over this weekend I had oral sex for the first time with my girlfriend. Normally I would never have sex until I am married but we were drunk and on vacation so I said the heck with it. I was an interesting experience. She gave me a blow job and I fingered her. I will never do it again. I cannot believe we did it. This adds a new chapter into my life.. What do I do now? She thinks that the relationship is great, but I want out to explore other options. I cannot tell her I am "bi." She would instantly tell her friends and my family of course. Her and my mom are good friends.

Finding A Guy:

Heck I know I am gay but how do others know without reveling to a whole crowd? How do I know when someone is gay too? I dunno! I have no answers to these questions. How do I meet a guy? There's another one. All I know is that I have fantasies of older men around 40-50. But yet I also dream about people 17-25. I could say I would do anybody that was disease free and not dorky looking at the moment. Yes, if anyone said lets have sex, I would. But yet I would have to know that they would be quiet about the whole thing.

All I know is that I need advise at the moment and sex. Yea, I know I am a bit messed up but not really. I am your typical guy that just wants someone to like him for who he is and have a wonderful being together. I just have lots of thoughts and questions that need to be answered. If you have any comments or answers to my questions Please write me at IM17nKc@excite.com I also have AOL.. I'll give you that address at a later time..

This is one of my favorite Poems:


When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must-but don't you quit.

Life is queer with it's twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow-
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
it seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the
night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt-
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It's when things seen worst that you mustn't quit.


Thanks ~


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