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Joshua S.

August 1999

Bardo....

It's been a year since I came out to my brother, a few of my close friends, and the start of when I came out to my senior class. It has been a long and arduous journey, but the hardest part was allowing myself to accept who I am. I think being out among a town supposedly without a homosexual community has led to many things I regret doing. I allowed myself to be involved with a twenty-five year old male because he was one of the very few gay people I knew. I didn't love him, but he was there unlike everyone else. I have to live with my regrets...feeling that I did it more for the fact of experience than out of actual love or even lust. I am going to college soon, and I didn't want to leave high school knowing I was never with someone. I know now that I would have rather had that than the memory that sickens me everytime I think of it. I accept my mistakes as a part of life, but I hope now as I move on to college I will work hard to keep from repeating them.

I know I will be around a lot more homosexual/bisexual people while I'm in college, and in some ways I fear as well as welcome it. I used to have the impression that I would be friends with every gay person I met, and now I know that's obviously a ridiculous thought. Just because we have the same sexual orientation doesn't mean we have anything else in common. I have lived my life being the only open person in my town (that I knew of), and I have become accustomed to that. I'm not sure how I will react being just one of many at my college. I am leaving a town with just under 10,000 people, and moving to college in a town with 400,000 people. It's obviously going to be a change, but I can't help thinking about how it's going to be being open in a new town with new people. I've always had my family and friends to shelter me, but now I will be on my own. My mother told me not to come out ..maybe tell my close friends in college, but definitely not come out like I did in high school. I think that is a logical thing to do, but I fear that if I could come out in such a narrow-minded atmosphere ..it might be very hard for me to keep quiet in a more relaxed and open environment. I'm not sure what's going to happen in any aspect as I go 1,000 miles away to college in less than a month. All I know is that I'm going to try my best to continue understanding myself and finding happiness.

I still ponder the questions of my sexuality. I've always known I liked men since I was 13, but 6 years have past, and I still question if I like women. It's kinda funny when you think about it. So many people are curious about if they like the same sex while I know that ..I'm still wondering if I like the opposite sex.. Many times I feel like I could have a sexual relationship with females, but only actual love relationships with men. I'm not sure, and as I become more experienced in life and relationships I'm sure I'll find out.

I turn 19 on August 28th in Des Moines, Iowa. I have struggled through depression, anorexia, bulimia, coming out of the closet, hate, and high school. I feel right now that I'm in a state of bardo (the state between death and rebirth), and as I enter a new stage of my life blind folded...I hope college is where I am able to finally remember happiness. This may be my last Oasis entry for awhile, and so I want to thank all who have read my ramblings and all who have wished me luck. I'll update my situation as soon as I have the time, but until then... listen without prejudice, and define your own standards on what is normal...thank u.

Joshua
running_on_empty@hotmail.com


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