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Chris Kryzan

August 1999

Hi Chris,

I am an 18 year-old lesbian-to-be. I feel emotional distress when I see extremely gorgeous women holding their newborns. It's not that I want a baby, it is just my fetish! I love women but I still have sex with men to say I'm not gay. Please, you are my only help.

Tess

******

Hi Tess,

Hey, nothing the matter with this at all. I'm attracted to extremely gorgeous men with kids, myself -- I think the extremely gorgeous part certainly has some draw. But there's more going on, and I might suggest that it has to do with the "family orientation" or "wholesomeness" that comes with a guy or woman with their children. I know it is for me.

If you value the commitment that goes with raising children, then you're getting a message when you see someone out with their kids, that suggests that they're a caring, nurturing person (whether or not that's the fact). So some of this may be going on, and it turns into being an attraction magnet.

I hear you saying something else, though, that suggests you have some issues of self-acceptance to work out. Why is it important to "say that you're not gay?" That's not a good reason to date, or have sex, with a guy. I understand how this can often be a hard thing to accept, but loving another woman (if you're a woman) is perfectly fine, it's just as normal as loving a guy.

Perhaps some of your distress comes from repressing this side of yourself, from dealing with whatever misinformation has been fed to you that says it's not good. You might want to get the book "Outing Yourself" by Michelangelo Signorile. It's a good self-help guide to getting through this.

Best wishes to you,

Chris


Dear Chris,

I'm a 20 year old female attending a college in Southern Maryland. I use to live with my family down here - I just moved out 3 months ago.

I'm bisexual. I have straight friends, gay friends, and bisexual friends. My friends keep trying to tell me I'm gay. I don't believe I am. I love my boyfriend very much, but I still wish I am able to get out and date females. I keep thinking it has to do with my friends. Besides the bisexuals - my straight and gay friends may not understand that bisexuality does exist. I'm bi - they probably don't know that means -- I don't have to have both sexes at the same time. I go the direction I choose.

My one problem is that I'm attracted more to females than males. My friends know this - so they're trying to get me to break up with my boyfriend. I don't want to, but I would like to date a little bit and find out for myself -- if my feelings are love for my boyfriend or if I'm actually gay. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Tracey

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Hi Tracey,

College turns out to be the time for many people to begin exploring issues of sexual orientation, sometimes more so for women than men (who seem to begin dealing with these issues a couple of years earlier, for reasons not quite known).

You're confronting one of the issues that many bisexual people unfairly face: the biphobia that persists in not only among heterosexuals, but also within the queer community. That's because we seem to like to categorize everything as black or white, with clear-cut distinctions. And we seem to forget that sexuality is often a mysterious thing that defies explanation.

Are you a lesbian? Are you bisexual? Who knows? Only you, ultimately. If you think that you're bisexual, then that is what is important, to be true to yourself and go with what feels right. Being attracted to people, loving people, is not something that should be wrong, so I suggest you resist your friend's perhaps well-intentioned attempts to steer you away from the straight and narrow, to what makes them feel more comfortable.

I think that the important thing is that, if you find yourself being attracted to other women, that you explore that part of yourself more fully. And, if you are still with your boyfriend at the time, being honest with him, and hopefully he will be sensitive to the fact that you might need to work through some things, or simply find yourself attracted to multiple genders at the same time.

I hope that things go well, and that you find whoever it is that you are along the way.

Take care,

Chris
chris@kryzan.com


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