August 1999

Hello again. This is Sean...I am 18 and I live in the small town of Wallkill, NY.

First I would like to update what I talked about last article.... mainly graduation and some stuff that happened before graduation:

Remember when...

I will never forget those words. It was a bad day for it to happen but I am over it now. See, in my school there are good remember whens and bad ones. We haven't had bad "remember whens...." in two years. The last time it happened some people went to psychiatrists and some tried to commit suicide. So last year's senior class didn't do it. Of course my senior class does it and guess who makes it...yours truly!

To set up the scene it all goes back to the incident with Timothy. While being depressed the only thing that kept my sanity was the kindness of one person. His name was Pat, he made me smile and let me talk. He just put a smile on my face when no one else could. I did have a really big crush on him and he knew it. My friends don't talk about it because they know how much Pat meant to me. Well this year the bad remembers when said something about me. It read" Remember when SG [me] wanted a 'man to man' relationship with PH?" I know it doesn't seem that bad but to make fun of me because I liked a popular kid is awful. It's just one example on how homophobic my school was. I cried for a day and then said to myself "I will never see these people again so it doesn't matter."

I did see Patrick after Graduation and I talked to him. I told him how embarrassed I was and he told me that he wasn't. He told me that he knew I didn't want them to put it in there, so he was offended. He told me not to be embarrassed about it and that he always knew anyway.

Pomp and circumstance

Graduation was really nice. I had a lot of fun before going outside. Outside I sat down next to my friend Steven Ryan (the boy changes his name every year) and he and I were making jokes. We had a very poignant moment when I told him I loved him as a friend and he has always been there for me, even if we always do make fun of each other. He told me I was a good friend to him too. Steven Ryan was on my left side.

On my right side was Mike. A very angry man who can write beautifully. He and I didn't get along when we first met each other, but we have been getting along for the past couple years. He was shooting people with waterguns, and finally starting to shoot people with that soapy solution that you blow bubbles with.

When I went up to get my award I was very happy to hear a lot of cheers for me from the entire senior class and my friends were cheering in the bleachers. It made me feel special. When Timothy went up, no one in the senior class (except for maybe 4 people) clapped for him. I had finally realized I won after all.

Now on to the current stuff:

It's my party...

OK it wasn't my party but it was the only famous saying or song that I could think of with the word "party" in the title. I went to a party a friend was throwing. For once I had a lot of fun. I am usually shy and stay by myself but not this time. I did spend about 3 hours with Danny (my straight best friend) alone and we talked about life and such. Then we talked to everyone else. I had to show Danny off because he was leaving early to see a friend and after that we had a lot of fun.

I ended up doing the "Copacabana" in front of a camera and "Summer Nights" from Grease. It was fun.

I met two new people.... Sam, a very nice girl. She dated a boy in my school who I am sure is gay. She thinks he is gay too. So we had my friends Sam, Nichole, Kristen, and Tom. We all gave each other names that would seem bad to some but they are not meant in a bad way...just a funny way. Sam's called the FAG HAG, Nichole's the FAT GIRL, Kristen's the SLUT, Tom's the HORNY GUY, and I'm of course THE FAGGOT. We had a lot of fun especially when the drunken older people would look at us oddly when we called each other these names.

We left the party to go another one after that.

Celebrate goodtimes...come on!

Every year the school holds the Senior Celebration. A party at the school that goes from 10PM-5AM. I didn't get there till 11:30PM and was instantly not having fun. I did go in the back of the school to the water slide that they had erected down a hill. I got to see a lot of hot guys with their shirt off.... That's always a plus!

Danny didn't get there till 12AM, so the rest of the time I hung out with him. The rest of the night he and I watched people build sandcastles, have pie eating contests, sing in the live band, and I ended up falling asleep on his shoulder for a minute or two. He finally wanted to go home at 3:00AM (when he was supposed to leave at 1:00AM) and he offered me a ride home so I took it. I have fun with him and I didn't cry once.... which is really surprising because I will never see half of these people again...I know I will see my true friends all the time.

Let's talk about sex

Calm down, this isn't going to get X-rated or anything so pull those pants back up around your waist.

Why is it, that in my eyes lovemaking is a lost art? All that is left is sex (I could use a crude word but don't feel like it right now...hint it starts with an "F") and that is all people want. I have never found one guy in this world who just doesn't want to cuddle or to make out.

Don't get me wrong or anything.... I love sex and all...what teenager who has had it doesn't, but that is all people these days want. I know there are people out there who want an actual relationship in which is based on love and when they have sex it's called making love. Making love isn't just getting your rocks off on some chiseled guy with a tight ass (or big breasted...have to look out for the lesbians here too), it's about the connection of body and mind. Where everything else around you doesn't exist except that person. It's when two people become one in mind and body. Some of you may be laughing at this but that is what I want.

Sure the nicely chiseled guy with a tight ass would be nice (I don't know if I could pass that up if I got the chance) all I am asking is why aren't there more people who would rather make love than...fuck?

I dreamed a dream

I have been having this dream lately and the only reason I am sharing it with you people is because I need some major insight on this.

It starts out at this party and Danny arrives and I greet him. I have no idea who the party is for...and I really don't see anyone else's faces only his. So he and I are talking and everything about nothing really then he asks me to dance because he is bored. So he and I slow dance and I look into his beautiful eyes and he and I almost kiss but he stops me. Then all of a sudden he has to go. I walk him to his truck, holding his hand, and he explains to me that he cannot see me for a while. He tells me he has to discover his exact feelings for me. I am understanding and I tell him that I understand but I need one more last thing from him....just in case I never see him again. He then turns around and kisses me.

That's it...that's the dream. Any insight? Please....I do need help figuring this one out. It seems so simple but I think there is more to it that what I can read from it.

That's it my friends. That's this month's article. Please feel free to respond by email: sleeve@frontiernet.net or by IM odango566. Thank you. OH if you IMed me before and I said no......I didn't mean to say no....my mouse was broken.

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